The Amazing Adventures of me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist
by Snaketooth
Summary: A series of adventures of the Cloth Alchemist, battling evil to save Amestris from the horrors of dirty clothing and unstitched socks.
1. Chapter 1 - Colour Complications

Disclaimer - I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Honest

'Pile up your clothes according to colour!' I shout at the soldiers dumping their uniforms in the bags without care. None of them seem to listen to me – nursing a hangover, they stumble out towards the barracks. How dare they? I, after all, have the rank of Major!

I should introduce myself. I am a state alchemist, one of the country's elite alchemists. I however, never seen a battlefield. I consider myself to have an equally important duty to those who dodge bullets and conjure up weapons to fight. I instead deal with the physiological aspects of a military – the one I personally consider most important, the uniform. A uniform keeps the men as a single body of men, yet elevates officers as both part of it yet beyond the rabble of privates. It makes every man a cog in the great military machine. It is I who is responsible for making and maintaining the uniforms of the city of Central – me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist!

However, I must say that this does not mean I relish laundry day.

The stench of sweat on the clothes is overwhelming. It needs to be dealt with. 'Men, let's get this sorted!' The privates assigned to me this week begin dragging the clothes out the great piles. They'll learn discipline here. As on the drill square, soldiers must do their laundry with precision, efficiency and teamwork. Without those qualities, who knows what ruin could befall us in our grave task?

The method I have devised for this task is, if I might be bold, is ingenious. The clothes are placed in a wet tank within an alchemical circle, which removes the dirt to the bottom, while the clean clothes are then pulled out by the privates. Another alchemical circle adds the lost dye back in the clothes, and a final alchemical circle which removes the water, allowing them to be dried and ready for the soldiers to pick up.

However, before this, it is necessary to inspect the clothing to make sure it is all sorted properly. If we do not do this, then we descend into chaos. The clothes are spread out by the privates, then those incorrectly sorted are brought to me for investigation. Those which are not placed correctly must do service with me for a week, to install discipline. Well, I must confess that it is not true for all soldiers. For those of who are of greater rank than myself do not – I respect rank. Of those of equal rank, I will simply give them a warning before asking their superior should they do it a second time. None should be without discipline.

Private Fury brought over the small piles of misplaced clothes, then saluted. 'Thank you, private.' I said, taking them. I shall investigate these latter, placing them in my office.

After dealing with clothes, setting out them out to remove the creases in them, I returned to my office for my investigations. As head of this little department (of one), I am responsible for this small but crucial task. Years of experience have made me quite skilled at detective work.

The first two incorrectly placed clothes were those of new recruits – the rank and name had been left on them, and I did not recognise them. However, this thought was cut short by my next terrifying discovery. For the next piece of clothing was not a uniform at all! It was a long coat, emblazoned with an alchemical symbol. And it was red!

Someone had placed a red coat with the white shirts!

The monster!

And then it was I realised what i must do. Nothing else could come first. I must track down this individual, and then show them the errors of their ways. I swear it on my honour, as Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist!

My first task was to begin my analysis of the coat. For many hours, I studied my alchemical texts to discern the details of the coat. Scraps were cut off, and broken down in furious analysis. I stayed up all night, but it was worth it. By the morning, I was ready. Official report in hand, I brought myself to the desk. 'I need a list of soldiers assigned to Central from the South Area. And I need a list of their chest and height measurements.'

Corporal Brightsilver looked at me over her spectacles. 'Sir, there are thousands of soldiers in Central at any one time. It might be a little impractical to search all of them.' Corporal Brightsilver is no fool – she has often assisted me in my investigations.

'Then limit the list to those from Dublith and the surrounding area, at first.' The dye used comes from a flower that is rarely used outside of that area. 'Also limit the list to those who are recently assigned to Central.' If this individual had been in Central earlier, I would be well aware of their treasons. 'Finally, I advise prioritising those individuals whom are alchemists, or have disciplinary notifications against them previously.' With this information, and the small estimated height of my quarry, I should be able to find them without delay. Then justice would be served!

'That coats Fullmetal's,' a voice from behind me said. I turned around to see Colonel Mustang, the Flame Alchemist passing behind me. I saluted. 'Sir! Thank you, sir!'

'No problem, Major.' Colonel Mustang looked quite amused. 'Go get him, Laundry Alchemist.' That is a little nickname I'm sometimes known by. All in jest, of course. None would doubt my importance to the army.

'Yes sir!' I turned back to Corporal Brightsilver. 'Could I please have a file on the Fullmetal Alchemist?'

'Yes sir.' She went to go get it, and a few minutes later brought it back.

'Thank you.' I opened the file and inspected it. Edward Elric – a very young state alchemist, only 15. Not integrated into the military, but currently assigned to Colonel Mustang in between a private research project. Height 149 cm, automail arm and leg, and does not wear a uniform! The rage built in me! He has no right to ask me to clean his clothes!

There was a short schedule present inside the file. It went up till the end of the week. That gave me barely a day. I copied it down, then handed the file back. It was time for me to prepare to catch this rapscallion, and deal with him once and for all!

It seemed this Edward Elric mostly did missions for Colonel Mustang, catching dangerous and violent criminals. The next night, he would be watching over warehouse on the east district of the city. He was, with several other officers, looking for a criminal gang called the Steam-Pipe Runners. It would be a perfect time to catch him!

I prepared myself for this grave task. When I am required to perform a more active military duty, my weapon of choice is a cloth whip, rolled up like a sheet of linen. With my cloak on my back, it allows me to adapt myself for battles.

My gloves I wear bare a transmutation circle for clothes and fibres. As the sun set, with a crack of my whip and a light of a transmutation, I leaped onto the roof tops.

It waited for a long time on that rooftop, beneath my cloak, waiting for him to arrive. Eventually, not only he arrived, but another did – a giant, in a suit of armour. This large fellow seemed to be helping the Edward boy. 'Are you ok, brother?' he asked, dragging him onto the roof. A brother? I hadn't noticed that in the file. That must have been a mistake on my part. Oh, what a fool I feel!

'Yeah, I'm fine Al.' The Fullmetal Alchemist pulled himself up, dusting off his metal arm. 'Why are we out here anyway? Mustang says we can do research, but he keeps giving us these detours!'

'He says this will be the last one for a while.' The brother replied.

'Yeah, like the last one was? I swear if he- hey, who are you? This is military business!' I had risen up from behind my cloak as he spoke.

'You are Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist?' I asked. I had to be certain. 'Height 149 cm, shoe size 5, uniform size extra small-'

'Who are you calling small!?' Edward shouted, charging forward, a fist held high. How dare he? Attack me, after the wrongs he has inflicted on me?

It was clear that the time to act was now. I leaped up, off the roof as I transmutated my cloak, spreading it out to slow my fall. I then swung my whip, catching a weathervane with a weighted end. I swung myself along it, coming back to the roof.

'Look out, Al!' Edward shouted. For as I swung, I aimed at the larger brother. With a kick perfected by years of surviving the dangerous world of tailoring, I hit Al Elric's legs, knocking him to his knees. Not a second to waste! I transmutated the whip in my hands, snaking it forward and tying up the brother.

'Edward Elric, I have dispatched your older brother.' I shouted to him.

'Actually-' the metal wearing man said, but this was interrupted by the Fullmetal Alchemist. 'Why does everyone think that? I'm older! You hear me! Older!'

'I advise you surrender and face the charges for the crime you have committed.'

'I'm no law breaker!' Edward Elric replied. 'And I doubt that he's tied up. Get him, Al!' And at that moment, I was grabbed by an outstretched metal arm. Curses! I underestimated the strength of this man!

'Got him brother!' he replied. The Fullmetal Alchemist grinned, clapping his arms together, then placing them down, causing a hand to rise out of the roof. But I was gone – I hit the Al brother in the head, knocking him away and out of his grip. I saw something for a minute that was shocking – the Al brother had no body! He was an empty suit of armour, helmet knocked away. This cannot be allowed! Suits can't walk around on their own! They must be worn and used! Anything else insults the very nature of clothing!

I transmutated the whip again, instead wrapping inside of the armour. I then leaped off the roof, hanging onto my whip. The Al brother was pulled with me. Edward came to cut the whip, but I it gave me enough time to transmutate my cloak again, pushing me up like a great pair of wings.

I landed onto the top of the building, as the Edward brother charged, knocking me onto the side. The metal suit was still tied up, so I had a chance, but the Fullmetal Alchemist was a skilled combatant. I managed to avoid his attacks, getting away. Edward clapped his hands together, making a blade out of his metal arm. 'It's time to own up! What do you want from us?'

I pulled out his coat. 'Is this yours?' I asked.

Edward look confused. Did he not remember his crime? 'Yeah, that's mine? So what?'

'Then you have not only placed it for cleaning when only specifically granted uniforms may be given for cleaning, you placed it within the white clothes while it is in fact coloured!' I shouted.

'You attacked us for that?' Al asked.

'You attacked me.' I pointed out.

'Oh yeah.' Edward responded. He looked embarrassed.

'As such, you should report to me, Major Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, within the next week, to arrange for three hours punishment duty.'

'Come on, it was just a mistake! Couldn't you just give me a warning or something?'

'I might have, had you not attacked a fellow officer.' How dare he try to wheedle out of his punishment? 'If you don't not see me personally, i will take it up with Colonel Mustang!'

'Alright, fine, I will!' Edward said, finally accepting his rightful punishment. 'Now, can I get my brother up?'

'Certainly.' I transmutated the whip, ravelling it up. That done, I leaped off the roof using my cloak, and headed on my merry way, stopping only to buy a paper. It revealed that it would rain Wednesday.

'I've never done this kind of alchemy before!' the Fullmetal Alchemist. 'It'll take a while!'

'Your own incompetency is not an excuse!' I replied. 'Now, if these's flags are not complete within three hours then you will stay till they are complete! And you are not skimp! These banners show the honour of our nation! To not give your all is nothing short of treachery!'

'Yeah yeah.' He was not a disciplined one, this one, but that is why they are brought to me for punishment! He would learn a thing or two hear!

My work was complete. The people of Central could sleep soundly, knowing a calamity had been averted, and made so it could it could never occur again. But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Well, that was interesting. I'll probably do these irregularly, each its own pointless, pointless story. Please let me know what you think of them.**


	2. Chapter 2 - A Study in Socks

Disclaimer - I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Yet...

'Get those socks in the centre!' I shouted at the Private Blackhammer. He dumped them in the centre of my transmutation circle. 'No, not like that, man! Do you think I can transmuate this disorganised mess with any precision? They must be neat! Arrange them properly, dammit!'

Private Blackhammer is a new recruit, and it shows. Look at how he places the socks with an inconsistent angle, or not in the same direction! Disgraceful! Eventually however, he manages to get them all arranged neatly. 'Very good.' I checked over my transmutation circle, before noticing something terrible. 'Private Blackhammer, where is the replacement sock cloth?'

'Er, I don't know?' Private Blackhammer replied nervously. 'There wasn't any in the store cupboard.'

'What?' I shouted, aghast. I ran to the stores, but to my horror Blackhammer was right. Only a few strips of material (scrap wool cloth, black or undyed) remained in the crate. 'This is impossible! We should have had some more delivered yesterday!' I unfortunately was not in that day, due to some trifling matter of my son's birthday.

Blackhammer saluted. 'Shall I pop into the city to get some more, sir?'

'Are you mad, man? We can't go wasting money on buying more than we need!' I was torn by indecision. Despite what I said, if I didn't get the material then dozens of socks would remain with holes in them. That could mean a full company of soldiers walking around barefoot! Part from their shoes.

And possibly they have spare socks. But that is beside's the point.

It was time for me, Egbert Lomgwood, to go into action once more!

'I will track down the material!' I said, gathering things I would need on my mission – whip, cloak, transmutation gloves, bus ticket – and headed out the door. 'Hold the fort, Blackhammer! Defend it with your life!'

My first port of call was the quartermaster, Major Arling. The man is, in my most humble opinion, a slight oaf. His attitude was most casual, thinking such things of no importance to his work. Does he not realise that discipline permeates into all things? As such, he would be commonly found amongst the piles of crates, him and his men half out of their uniforms. Right now, he sat on a bag of potatoes, cigarette on his ear, flicking through a clipboard.

'There's your problem.' He pointed at a piece of paper. 'The scrap cloth from East Area got marked for Central High Security Prison. We sent it there instead.'

'How could this have happened?' I asked, trying to contain my righteous anger. 'Why was it not delivered correctly?'

'Hey, don't be like that.' Arling took a puff of smoke. 'They get sent a lot of it, and you only were to get a few bags. It's an honest mistake. I'll send a lad over there in a few days to get it.'

'A few days! Why not now?'

'Look, it's just a few rags. I have a big munitions shipment at the moment, and a hundred over to sort out. It'll be dealt with soon enough.'

This was intolerable! A decision was made in my mind. 'Do not worry about that, Major Arling.' I replied, turning away. 'I will deal it with it personally!'

I knew that I had much to do. It would be a busy night. For you see, while at first glance the solution might seem unthinkable, a second thought would prove it unthinkable to not do it. The lesser treachery to prevent a greater treachery, you see.

For I had to break into the prison!

I am no fool, however. I realise that this would be a difficult task. The prison was high security, with a large number of guards present. I would not be bold enough to suggest that I could defeat them by myself. Instead another idea occurred to me.

In the prison is rumoured to lay a prisoner of some great infamy. His name is Solf Kimberly, once known as the Crimson Alchemist. While I cannot claim to be a friend, State Alchemists are well aware of each other, especially those who serve in the military. And while I loathed to do it, I realised that it was a necessary evil. I would pretend to visit Kimberly, and then use his inside knowledge to locate the material I require. It was the only choice left to me!

In preparation, I decided to purchase a gift for Kimberly. However, I struggled over the purchase. I had not interacted with him enough to know his opinion on such things. Eventually, I decided to get him a scarf. One can never go wrong with one of those.

I walked up to the guard at the entrance to the prison, and showed him my pocket watch. 'Egbart Longwood, Cloth Alchemist. I need to visit a prisoner.'

The guard saluted. 'What's the reason, sir?'

I probably should have thought of that. I said the first thing in my head. 'It's his birthday. Can't be alone on your birthday! A terrible thing!' I got by by quoting my son from last night.

'Yes, sir.' The guard lead me into the entrance of the prison. 'Who is it you want to see?'

'Solf Kimberly.' I replied. 'The Crimson Alchemist.'

'Er sir, I'm afraid that that prisoner is under the highest security. Your clearance won't allow you to see him. Sorry sir.'

'That is a shame.' I said. 'By the way, your dress uniform might be a bit delayed. It might not be ready till after your parade.'

The soldier was torn with indecision for a moment. It hurt me to do stoop this low, but needs must. Eventually he said 'I'll need to search you first, sir.'

'Of course! In fact, I insist it! Search everywhere! Everywhere.' As I suspected, the search was inimal and most certainly not everywhere.

Finally, the soldier brought a out a signed slip of paper. 'Here sir, you can see him. I'll escort you through.'

'That won't be necessary, soldier. I'll do it myself.' I said, gathering my things.

'Sorry, sir, I must insist. I need to be with you.'

Time for plan B, it seemed. I grabbed his clothing, and transmuted it. The threads wrapped together, turning his uniform into a straight jacket. A second turned his hat into a gag. I picked him up, and put him in a side room. 'I'll be out in a few minutes, don't you worry. You can check afterwards no one escaped. Keep quiet, and you'll get a few new socks for yourself at the end of it.' He seemed to nod.

With the notice in my hand, I walked through the prison, towards the Crimson Alchemist. Eventually I reached the cell in which Kimberly was held. He had his hands in wooden cuffs. 'Well, if it isn't the Laundry Alchemist. It's been a long time. When was it I last was saw you? Seven years ago? In Ishval?'

'Hello Kimberly.' I said, then began whispering. 'I need your help.'

'Really?' Kimberly leaned back against the wall. How dare he! He should stand up straight in a fellow officers presence! 'And why does a respectable Alchemist need the help of a mass murderer like me?'

'I need to know where the supplies for the prison uniforms are kept.' I continued.

'Ah, is that it?' Kimberly grinned. 'So why should I help you at all? What's in it for me.'

'I got you a scarf.'

'Yeah, ok.' Kimberly said, taking the scarf from me. 'The supply closets down the central hall, at the eastern side.'

'Thank you.' I said, walking off briskly, looking out for guards.

The storage unit was a big building, but thankfully there were no guards outside it. As I entered, I saw it was a large building, utterly full of a huge number of materials. The only thing for me to do was begin searching.

It took me a long time to find the bags of cloth. They were located at the back of the storage room, next to what looked like some tunnel. At finding the three bags I needed, stamped with my department on them, I must confess to not noticing the other figure till they called out to me.

'Hey! What are you doing here?'

I turned around. It was a suit of armour, with a cleaver in its hand. Was this another moving suit of armour? I have to say I detest of this new fashion!

'I am just here to collect some supplies. Won't be jiffy!' I reply, picking up one of the bags.

'Oh yeah? I don't recognise you. What's your name?' the suit asked me.

'I am Major Egbart Longwood, The Cloth Alchemist. At your service.' I replied.

'Ah, I don't know your name. And if I don't know your name, and you come wandering around here, then it means I can chop you up!' And the suit leaped up, cleaver held high. How dare he! No honourable man would use a cleaver to kill a man! He should use a sword at least!

I flickered out my cloak and transmutated it out towards my foe. The cloak slapped into his helmet, blinding him. I took this opening to leap behind a pile of crates.

'Ah!' the suit shouted. 'Running away, are we? Well come on out, so we can kill you!' I was in fact planning to come out as he asked. But I would do it upon my own terms! I pulled out my whip, and slipped it over onto the path of the suit, and then I transmutated the whip, flicking it around his leg. I pulled, flipping the suit onto the floor with a loud THUNK, and allowing me to jump forward in a majestic arc. Like a kite. The bird, of course. Other kites are far less graceful.

My landing brought my foot down on the suits hand, kicking the cleaver up and into my hand. The suit pulled himself up, and grabbed onto my whip. The two of us held onto the whip with pressure on each other.

We stared at each other. I stared at him. He stared at me. And he let go, and ran away. 'Fine, I won't kill you!' the suit shouted, running towards a door in the tunnel. I was stunned for a moment. How dare he run from a game of tug-of-war?

I attempted to give chase, but the suit was fast. He got into the door, and locked it behind him. To my dismay, the door was not made of fabric. I sighed. One day.

I picked up the bags, and left the room. As I got the entrance, I went to the guard and transmutated his clothes back. We had a quick discussion, and came to an agreement.

I arrived back the next day, to find Private Blackhammer still in the room. He looked a little tired. 'Sir, can I be excused? I haven't slept for twenty four hours.'

'Your sleeping schedule is your own problem, private!' I replied, placing down the bags. 'Now go get some Ishvalan cotton!' A few sheets of that should keep the prison guard quiet. But for now, I had to deal with these socks with holes in them!

Well, challenges had to be overcome, but I eventually managed to get the material I need. Dozens of men will be able to go on patrol with all their clothes, and I saved a total of a 1000 cens! Though, I did have to spend that amount for a scarf, and more for the guards bribe. But regardless! The delays have been prevented, and people can sleep at night knowing that the efficiency of my department is maximised as much as possible! But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **So for some reason the reviews aren't working for this story. So if you have any comments, feel free to contact me directly. Hope you enjoyed it.**


	3. Chapter 3 - A Conspiracy of Cloaks

Disclaimer - The plan begins. Until it is complete , I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

It was a crisp morning as I walked into my department. A week had progressed since the last laundry day, and Private Blackhammer was lying asleep on the floor. After a couple of weapon misfires, he has been transferred to my department permanently. I believe that there had also been issues with him not getting enough sleep. Disgraceful.

Private Blackhammer, on the other hand, has gained a sense of discipline under my wing. As I entered, he stood up and saluted. 'Sir, I've got the clothes for washing ready.'

'Excellent. Anything incorrectly placed?' I asked him.

'Just the one thing, sir. I've put it on your desk.'

'Thank you, private.' It occurred to me I should learn his name at some point. 'I'll start the washing soon, just let me have a look at this.'

I went into my office, and stopped in my tracks. For you see, I had expected a new privates uniform. Something forgivable, if still terrible. But in my wildest nightmares, I had not expected what I saw before me.

For you see, before me on my desk was a red cloak!

The same red cloak as I had seen before. The one used by the Fullmetal Alchemist.

'Private, Blackhammer.' I said, rage barely under my control. 'please could you go take a message to Corporal Brightsilver. Could you ask her for the last known location of the Fullmetal Alchemist.'

Private Blackhammer gulped. 'Yes sir!' He saluted, and immediately left.

I began to do the laundry. After all, I did my duty to perform. But when that was done, I would seek justice upon the Fullmetal Alchemist!

'The Fullmetal Alchemist again?' Corporal Brightsilver asked. 'I'm surprised he did it again.'

'Truly, that boy has no respect. Well, he will learn, one way or the other!' I replied.

'He's been assigned to Colonel Mustang for the last while now, but he's gone back to East City.' Corporal Brightsilver told me. 'I'm not sure where they are. They're not currently under any military commands.'

This was worrying. Would these fiends disappear into the world around, forever taunting me? I could not allow this challenge to my dignity go!

'Oh wait, here's something.' Corporal Brightsilver continued. 'He tried to claim a ticket for Lior. He said he was delayed on military business. He was denied though.'

A clue! 'Tell me, when was this claim made?'

'The date's on it is yesterdays.'

'Thank you.' So they were heading for Lior! I knew that I would need much preparation to be able ti complete this grave task. For instance, where is Lior?

A quick check of a map revealed that Lior was a town on the eastern border of Amestris, close to the eastern desert. This meant it was quite a distance from Central – any train would take at least a few days to reach it. I somehow had to catch up to trains going there before it reached Lior.

With my equipment all rolled up and ready to go, I sprinted to train station. There was a queue at the ticket office, but I barged past the crowds, shouting 'Military business! Let me through!' And it was true, dammit! I don't care what the general I pushed aside thought!

I finally got the office, and asked. 'When was the last train to Lior? Where will it be now?'

The ticketter was bemused for a second, then said 'There was one that left last night. It will be half way to East City by now.'

This was getting worse and worse! 'I need to catch up to that train!' I said. I wondered how much leeway I had to stop the train somewhere, but thankfully the ticketter had a solution. 'Sir, the train to Lior has an overnight stop in East City to refuel. You might be able to catch up with it, if you are willing not to sleep.'

He said the last part jokingly. But the joke was on him! Sleeping is for those with no justice to give! 'I'll take the next train to East City then.'

I bought my ticket, and got on the train which left a few minutes later. I had many hours to wait, as the train rolled eastwards. I took the opportunity to attempt knitting a gun. My research has been filled with disappointment.

The train arrived in East City at dawn the next day. Thankfully, I had previously checked what platform the train to Lior was on. As I crossed over to platform 12 (this was the platform that the train to Lior was on), I saw the train was already departing! Truly, it seems that fate confounds me at every turn!

But still, it cannot stop a man from doing his duty! With a flash of my cloak, I transmuted my whip forward. The whip had a couple of metal hooks upon it, allowing it to cut into the metal surface of the train. I then transmuted my cloak, forming a sail as the train took off, allowing me to fly up into the air, the train propelling me along as I flew.

The wind was stronger than I thought it would be, and were I not tied to my whip I fear I would have fallen away by the forces around me. Eventually however, I managed to pull myself up towards the train, where I hung on to the sides.

Of course, safety must come first. I tied myself to a piece of metal on the side of the train, my intention being to tie and untie it as I went across the cars. I peered into the first carriage. 'My apologies, madam.' I said to a woman inside, her child pointing at me. 'Patriotic duty calls.' I checked the carriage, looking for the offending individual. No luck. I pulled myself along to the next carriage.

I must confess that I did not find them in any of the carriages. At the third car, a voice shouted from the entrance to the car. 'Excuse me, what are you doing here?' I turned, to see the hulking figure of the Fullmetal Alchemists brother, Alphonse Elric!

I whipped out one of my cloth whips, sending it towards the metal figure. Since my last encounter with him, I had thought about ways in which to combat him and similar suits of walking armour. After all, imagine the terror they could cause! A family has a suit of armour as a decoration, and then suddenly it comes alive during dinner and attacks people, or asks to sit down without being invited!

My logic was that as a suit of armour, he his hollow. This means, if the helmet is exposed, then I it allows one to get material within the armour, so I can tie them up. The whip had another hook upon it, slamming into the helmet, catching it. I pulled it back, flipping the head into my hands.

'Hey! Give me my head back!' The metal armour cried. But I was ready to give it back! I leaped forward, transmuting my cloak as I went, flowing it into the centre of the armour and poking through joints, tying it around the metal arms. I landed next to the tied figure, and placed the helmet back on Alphonse. 'Stay here, I will deal with your brother shortly.' The armour was muffled by the cloak.

I calmly walked into the carriage. The train was empty – the rest of the passengers seemed to have left – bar the Elric boy. 'You again! What have you done with Al?' he asked.

'He has been dealt with. Be sure that he has not been harmed.' I replied. 'I have not come for him, but for you!'

'Really? Well, you won't take me easy this time!' Edward clapped his hands together, and placed them down. A spear was transmuted into his hands. He pointed it at me, defensively.

'I'd ask you come quietly. You need to pay for your crimes!' I shouted.

'Listen, was the flag not up to standard? Did I dirty the carpet with a piece of dust? What did I do this time?'

'The same crime as before! Repeated! Made worse you the knowledge of your wrong doing!'

'What are you on about?' Edward shouted back.

'This!' I pulled out his cloak. 'Placed in white washing! Again!'

Edward stared at it for a moment. Then he said 'I didn't do that! That's not mine!'

'Don't lie to me, boy!' I shouted, full of rage. 'The symbol upon it is the same as the one I washed last time!'

'I know it's not mine,' the Edward boy shouted back, 'because I'm wearing mine!'

There was a pause. 'Look!' He said, spinning round. Sure enough, he wore a red cloak with the same alchemical symbol.

'Well, em,' I began,' I don't suppose you have two?' I asked.

'No!'

'Ah. Well, this is a bit awkward.' I said. 'I apologise for my inconvenience.' I walked out, gathering my cloak from the metal brother. 'Very sorry about this.' I said, leaping off the train, and began to walk back to East City.

Eventually, I made my way back to East City station, worry in my mind. Had I be blinded by some cunning deception? Had I missed the latest fashions? These and more thoughts ran through my mind as I made my way to the station. However, as I arrived a woman in officers uniform interrupted me. 'Major Longwood, sir.' She saluted. 'I'm Lieutenant Hawkeye. I have orders to bring you to Colonel Mustang.'

'Of course!' I replied. I was surprised. What would he need to see me about? 'Might I enquire the reason for meeting at this short notice?'

'I think it might be to do with this, sir.' She passed me note. 'This arrived a couple of days ago at my desk in Central.'

I looked with horror at the note. This note I held showed me to a word of conspiracy I could never had imagined! For upon it read: _Hawkeye, can you put a copy of Fullmetal's cloak in the white washing? It'll be hilarious._

I now understood why Mustang had to meet me! He knew that this had to be dealt with!

We arrived in the East City command centre a short while later, and I was lead in the Colonels office. He sat at his desk, on the phone, but ended the call shortly after I entered. I saluted. 'Colonel Mustang.'

'Ah yes, thank you Major.' He gestured to a chair, where I sat. The Lieutenant stood behind him.

'I had a worrying phone call recently.' The Colonel began. 'About an incident on the train to Lior. I heard that it was attacked by a man in military uniform. Destruction of the train, and the assault of a passenger.'

I gulped. I had not thought about what may happen after my misunderstanding. 'But, Colonel, I had a mission. Look! I was set up!' I showed him the note.

The Colonel looked at it, smiled for a slight moment, then put it away in the desk. 'It looks like a harmless prank to me, Major. Hardly a matter to attack a train over.'

He paused, then smiled again. 'Thankfully, this incident has only reached my ears yet. And it is my responsibility to deal with it. So, since no one was hurt and are an upstanding officer, I am willing to ignore it.' He leaned on an arm. 'Should you continue to remain an upstanding officer, of course. In my eyes.'

Suddenly, I realised what had happened. Colonel Mustang had made the cloak, and written the note! He would use the information against me for his own ends in office politics! I'd been played! Like a harpsichord. Or a ukulele.

'So, how exactly would I be a good officer?' I enquired.

'I'd just keep your ears open in Central, and consider you to owe me a favour.' He stood up. 'I'm glad, we've got that sorted, Major. Lieutenant, please show out the Cloth Alchemist?'

'Of course, sir.' Lieutenant Hawkeye should me out. Defeated, I headed back to Central.

I arrived in my office disgruntled. This was not helped by the low standards I found Private Blackhammer to exhibit.

'You're a disgrace, Private! Your uniform is all creased. Did you sleep in it?'

'Yes sir! I actually did!' He replied.

'How dare you sleep while on duty!' I continued. He was phased by this.

'Sir, I've been on duty for three days in a row now.' He said.

'A soldier is always on duty! Now iron those clothes, dammit! Or I'll iron them with you in them!'

So ends this adventure. Some may say this is a rare defeat for me, and perhaps it is. But I prefer to see it as a victory for the things most important – duty, order and cleanliness! But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Good news - the reviews are now working, and I can now see them again. Thanks for everyone who's reviewed, and feel free to give me ideas - it has occurred to me that I can only do jokes about people placing things in the wrong colour for so long.**


	4. Chapter 4 - A Reminder of Raincoats

Disclaimer - I've failed. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist

For a rare moment, I found myself on duty, and yet I had vital task I desperately need completing. I looked over the piles of neat, ironed linen and cotton. Each one was in order rows, ready for soldiers to pick up the next day. I sighed, sitting down. 'We've done well today, Private.' I said. 'It reminds me of the days when I first joined the military.'

Private Blackhammer saluted. 'Sir, can I please be excused early today?' He asked. 'I haven't been home in a week. I need to confirm to my parents I'm still alive.'

'What? But I'm in the beginning of a trip down memory lane!' I reply. 'Are you not interested to hear how I joined the military?'

'No sir! I have zero interest, sir!'

What insolence! However, I was in no mood to punish him. 'Very well then, you may go.' As he left, I began to do minor tidying up. As I did so, I began to reminisce.

I was born in the West City, close to the river. My father was a tailor, making waistcoats and suits for the man on the street. Meanwhile, my mother was an officer in the West Area command. Together, they taught me the value of discipline, honour and the importance of a well fitting suit.

I could not learn alchemy from them however. I gained my interest in it from the news I often heard of State Alchemists, brave men who wielded great power in service to their country. That became my dream – to become a State Alchemist.

'Er, excuse me, sir.' A voice said. How dare they interrupt my flashback!

'What is it?' I shouted, turning to see Private Blackhammer.

'I just left my hat here.' I retrieved, then saluted. 'Sorry sir.' He left promptly.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. I started to look in the West City public library for information about alchemy, even as my father taught me the fine arts of needlework and tailoring. However, I soon realised that it would not be possible to learn Alchemy from a few public books. Instead, I would have to find a teacher!

At the age of sixteen, as I worked part time in my father's shop, I began looking for a teacher. However, to my dismay my note in the post office did not attract anyone. I would have to look in person!

I greatest alchemist I knew was the workman Rudolph Moose, a well know repairman for mills just outside the city. I wasn't certain what the best way to ask him was, though retrospect made me think maybe I shouldn't have snuck into his house.

'Who are you?' He asked. 'And what are you doing in my house?'

'I wish to learn the secrets of alchemy from you. I feel only you have the wisdom to tech me all there is to know.'

'Your words have convinced me. I will teach you alchemy.'

I'm pretty sure it went like that. Though I did have to take a second job to pay for the training.

I began to learn alchemy quickly. Rudolph was a good teacher, and I quickly began to experiment, applying the things I was taught about manipulating metal and stone to the transmutation of wool and dye. I began to use alchemy in my work in my father's shop, making new and interesting coloured outfits that normal dying could not produce.

However, my mother's tutelage was equally important, and I looked to turn my skills to use in the military. I began to think – would it be possible to make a weapon more effective in the battlefield than a gun? Eventually the answer came to me – a roll of cloth!

Another alchemist once laughed at me for this. However, I pointed out that they the high tech weaponry if punching things. In any case, I found that with a few rolls of cloth, and a good cape, I could manipulate it to traverse a tough battlefield, capture enemies and still look stylish.

After a few years of Rudolph's training, I realised it was time to move on, to begin my training in the Amestrian military. To thank him, I made Rudolph a new coat. It had World's Best Teacher in it.

I spent several years training in the Amestrian military. Eventually I was ready for my State Alchemy exam. I travelled to Central for my exam, where I showed my knowledge of alchemy and military matters. Eventually I found myself facing Colonel Pratt. 'Now then, let's show me what you've got to offer us.'

'Yes sir!' I said. I pulled out my reams of cloth, and transmuted it to latch on the roof. I swung on it round to Colonel Pratt, surprising him. I landed next to him and transmuted his clothes, tying him up.

After he was untied, he and a few officers discussed things in private. Then they came over to me and said 'I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if your skills are useful to the Amestrain military. I advise you learn some more useful combat abilities.'

I was disappointed. For a moment, my dreams were shattered. But then I noticed something. 'Sir, I hate to mention this, but you seem to have a stain on your shirt.'

'Er, yes. I've had trouble getting it out.' He admitted.

'Could I help?' I asked. I reached forward, and transmuted the stain off his shirt. He looked down, seeing the shirt was now white again. He gasped, and then went round into a circle of officers again. The circle then departed. 'I've changed my mind. I'd like to accept you as a State Alchemist.'

The next day, I was given my pocket watch and my official notice. 'This is your state certification.' Colonel Pratt told me. 'Your code name is the Cloth Alchemist. Congratulations, Major Egbert Longwood '

And so that is how I became the Cloth Alchemist. Of course, there are still many occurrences that have occurred since that tie. For instance –

'Sir?' Someone said. I looked up, to see Corporal Brightsilver.

'Sir, it's 7 o clock. Shouldn't you be going home?'

'Yes, I suppose you are right, Corporal. I'll see you tomorrow.' I locked up, and started to walk home.

And so now you have learned the history of the Cloth Alchemist. It is a tale of honour, daring and hard work, and tale we should all aspire to. But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Quite a short story this time. Thanks for Lilaclily00 for the story idea. Next time - a Story of Stitching!**


	5. Chapter 5 - A Story of Stitching

Disclaimer - I am on the run. They hunt me. They never stop. I do not own Fulmetal Alchemist.

'Private Blackhammer,' I called through to the store cupboard, 'how are you coming along with the Sergeants coat?'

'Em, not well.' Blackhammer admitted. He held up the coat. The holes in it were theoretically gone, but stitching upon coat was ragged, with strands of thread coming out in stretched marks.

'Blackhammer, that is a disgrace!' I shouted. I have been attempting to pass on my knowledge and skills to Private Blackhammer, who I have taken as an apprentice. But the attempt has been wrought with failure.

'Sorry sir. It's just I haven't ever really done this before. You see, it was a big family, so my job was always to clean the dishes-'

'Blackhammer, are you going sit around reminiscing about your past like a fool, or are you going to get some work done?' I replied.

'No sir! It's just, it would help if you showed me how to do it first.'

'Show you how to do it?' I gasped. 'Stitching isn't something you can learn by watching and listening, Blackhammer! It's from deep within you! You must stitch in same way you walk or breath, a part of who you are! You do not stitch with your hands, but with your heart!'

'Sir, I'm not sure that any sense.'

'In any case,' I said, ignoring Blackhammer's idiocy, 'you seem to have run out of thread.' It was true – the role of thread was almost at an end. 'We'll need to get some more.'

Blackhammer saluted. 'Yes sir. I'll go get some right away.'

'Oh no, private!' I said. 'You will not leave till you have finished this to my standards!' Blackhammer's face fell. Fell with joy, I'm sure! 'I'll go out and get some.'

'Em, sir,' Blackhammer said, ' remember what happened last time you went out to get some more stuff for the supply closet? Didn't you end up fighting a crazy suit of armour?'

'That was simply me putting the world to rights, Private!' I informed him. 'This is simply me running out of my own private supplies. As such, it will be put a quick trip to the shops.' I opened the door. 'Now, stay here and try and correct the failure you have produced!'

The day started pleasantly, with only the slightest hint of cloud in the sky. The streets were crowded with people around the station as usual, as people headed into the see the sites of the great city, However, I could not join them for the job of my choice is a little of the beaten path. It is run by my friend Sophie Cartwright, who I have known for many years. And after performing a minor favour a while ago, she sometimes gives me a discount. The favour involved her son, an artillery piece and a plate of bees. But that is a tale for another time.

Actually, I've changed my mind – I'll tell it now. Sophie's son, at the time Private Cartwright, had eaten a plate of bees and had an allergic reaction. I helped him get to hospital, borrowing an artillery piece to drive him there in time. It's not as interesting as it first seems, I must admit. Though I never worked out why he was eating bees.

In any case, I soon was off the main roads as I walked west towards Sophie's shop. The most direct route passed through a rather run down area. The kind of area that good folk are too afraid to walk. But I am not afraid! Not to say I am not a good folk. Well, I suppose I am not, as folk is plural. But never the less, I was walking down a street!

I was thinking at the time of what to do with Blackhammer ( I was thinking asking General Armstrong to take him for a stint), so I did not notice the fellow walking up behind me till he spoke. 'Are you the Cloth Alchemist?'

'Why yes I am, sir!' I turned around, only to see the man was coming at me, hands out stretched! I leaped back away from him, a throwing out a whip towards him, preparing to transmute it. However, the man simply grabbed it and, with a flash of light, the whip shattered into pieces. I looked at it, stunned.

'How dare you!' I cried. 'It took me ages to make that!'

'That was a thing made by alchemy, an abomination unto god.' The man said. He wore dark sunglasses, and had a scar upon his forehead.

'Ha! I'll have you know the only abominations around here is Blackhammer's stitching.'

The stranger didn't react to that. 'I advise you pray to God, for soon you will be with him!' He charged forward, strange tattooed palm open towards me.

I could not let this man stop me on my mission! As he came forward, I leapt into the air, sending out a second whip (always keep spares of everything. EVERYTHING) towards a lamp hanging from the building next to me. A transmutation latter I was flying up away from my assailant. I landed on the roof of the building. 'No matter what you do, you will not stop me teaching Blackhammer how to sow!'

The assailant paused for a second, apparently not knowing how to react. He must have realised how my genius tactics had defeated him! But then stretched his hands forward, and there was a flash of light, and the wall of the building began to crumble around me. Damn, this would be a useful for removing tough stains! Though I suppose it could cause problems to the fabric.

I was falling, but I transmuted my cloak, flapping it up and pushing myself away from the scarred man. I occurred to me that if I continue to fight this man, then I might not reach Sophie's shop before Blackhammer runs out of thread! And that would be terrible!

I started to run out towards the Sophie's shop, with my attacker in hot pursuit. I ran as fast as I cold, leaping and gliding my way, as the attacker shattered the ground beneath me. It was all I could to not get caught by him. But I had to, or he'd ruin my uniform!

In the distance, hope was approaching – Sophie's shop! But I couldn't endanger her – I had to lose this individual for a small amount of time. I turned around to face my chaser. 'Alright, let's fight shall we?' I asked, my fists raised. The man said nothing, but paused, preparing to fight. I readied myself in response, waiting for him to attack.

Quick as a flash he dodged forward. I ducked his attack, bringing my fist forward, trying to grab at his clothes. He seemed to see it coming however, jumping out the way as he did so. He was fast, this one! But he couldn't dodge me forever! I chucked my cloak off and over my head, sending it out towards my attacker. He tried to leap back, but my cloak is quite a big one. Small cloaks are very uncouth.

The cloak caught him, and I had the opportunity to get him. I transmuted my cloak, tying it around his own clothes, even into his fibres. He cried out 'Mill mem muo!' How rude! I think.

As he tried to get out of his clothes, I ran into Sophie's shop. She was reading a paper. 'Sophie, could I borrow some things? There's a minor problem going on.'

'Sure, I'll add it to the tab.' She said, not looking up from the paper. I can't blame her – there was a good crossword in that one.

'Why, thanks.' I grabbed a collection of cloth and needles, and as I kicked open the door again, I transmuted them together.

As the scarred man prepared to destroy the door, I burst out, with my work rolling out before me. The river of wool, linen and cotton slammed forwards, an entire shop's worth. With it, a volley of high speed needles and buttons hit towards the assailant. He attempted to destroy the river, but it was the attempt of a man trying to stop a flood. He was washed away, down away from the shop.

I went back inside, and I wrote down a number on a check. I handed it to Sophie. 'Sorry about that. This is my research funds for the next few months. That should cover the cost of what I did.'

She looked at it. 'Yep. Looks good.'

'Thank you. I'll sort out the mess in the morning.' I replied. 'Oh, and I need some thread. Blackhammer ran out.'

I arrived back to find out Blackhammer had managed to finish Sergeant Spearheart's coat. 'Excellent work, Private.' I said.

'Thank you, sir.' He saluted. 'Anything happen when you got the thread?'

'No, not really.' I replied. 'Oh, I need you to go clear up a street tomorrow. Don't worry, I can't imagine it'll take long.' I was later reminded that he is not an alchemist, and that a building had partially collapsed.

So ends another adventure successfully – I bought more thread, and Private Blackhammer learnt how to stitch without any input from me. But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Wow, that's a lot of reviews in a short time. Feel free to continue doing it though. Thanks for reading.**

 **Also, I realise I never actual named Scar as Scar. So it was Scar. Scar is the one in this chapter. Just be clear, it was Scar.**


	6. Chapter 6 - A List of Letters

Disclaimer - I have managed to hide. One of them found me, but after a difficult battle, I managed to defeat it. Now I must rebuild. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

'Here's the letters, sir.' Private Blackhammer brought them over to my desk. It was a clear morning without a hint of rain inside my office, though it was a lot heavier outside.

'Thank you, Private.' I looked at the first letter. It was from Fort Briggs! I opened with a swiftly slice of my letter opener. I was amazed! It was from General Armstrong herself!

The letter read:

 _Dear_ __ _Mayor Longwood_

 _Take your soldier and place them in a pit with a hungry wolf. Wait till the wolf is dead. If they survive with all their limbs, then they might be of some use to me. If not, bury them knowing them it at least you didn't waste my time further._

 _General Armstrong._

I had to confess it was mildly disappointing. Where would I get a wolf in Central? I sighed, and began looking through the rest of my letters.

The next letter was far less interesting. It was from my old commanding officer when I was stationed in the South Area, Captain Cullhaven. I cut open the letter, and looked at what words of wisdom he had to give me:

 _Dear Major Longwood,_

 _I found a pair of your old socks. Do you want them back? They're a bit smelly._

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _Captain Cullhaven._

I really should give him my home phone number. It would save him time.

I wrote a brief reply, requesting the return of the socks. After all, you can't buy good material in any shop! Only those that sell cloth!

The next letter seemed to a thicker one. When I opened it, reams of individual sheets of paper exploded around me. Thankfully, they seemed to be numbered, so I gathered up the piles of paper in order and looked at the first one. It read as such:

 _Dear Cloth Alchemist_

 _So just to forestall your next chasing after us, I've sent you this letter. So whatever terrible crime that happened to you this time, like someone leaving a pen upside so it runs out, it wasn't me or my brother! So don't bother to try and find me – I'm very busy with actual research! Stuff a State Alchemist should be doing!_

 _You might be wondering why there are so many pieces of papers here. Well, I filled it with the written statements of witnesses to where I was for the last three day, to prove it wasn't me. I got about a hundred. I then put the notes into the envelope so it will cause a mess when you open it. It took a while, but I had a long train ride and nothing else to do!_

 _So am I off your back now? I thought I was after that flag, but then you attacked a train!_

 _Yours sincerely_

 _Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist._

 _PS Al said he didn't think you called me a pipsqueak, so if you didn't, I apologise. It still changes nothing!_

My rage built up inside me. How dare he mess up my office! I picked up a random piece of paper, and looked at it. It was done in crayon.

 _The litle man + teh metal man wuz on the tran al of yesturdy. The big one din't ate anytink. Duz he eat metal?_

 _Ben, 5 + 6/8_

There were many others present. Some were more descriptive, accounting for the boy's location over a period of three days, including accounts from military officers. I placed the piles of paper on my desk. It seemed that the Fullmetal Alchemist had out foxed me. I hadn't actually thought that he was responsible for any more crimes, as there had been no disorder of late. But given his possibility as a repeat offender with no proof of repenting, I consider him prime suspect should more occur. I wondered if I should ask him to send regular reports on location. But it would probably be easier to just Brightsilver for a copy of his latest reports. I sighed, and pushed the pile to my out pile.

The next letter was addressed to me by my full title. It's always nice to receive some professionalism in the mail.

 _Dear Major Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist_

 _Report 1026:_

 _All personal are well. Standard operations have progressed as per normal (See Report 24, with updates from Reports 189, 543 and 876).The sanitation facilities development progress according to schedule (see Report 1005). Articles 9-15 (see report 996) have been sent on route for your examinations, estimates indicate they will arrive within two days after this arrives at your location. Articles 1-8 have been destroyed._

 _File this Report and send a replying Report to this address when articles 9-15 have arrived._

It ended with a red official stamp. It's always nice to receive letters from my mother. She's the only one allowed to use our official family seal. I filed away the letter with the others, and made a note in my schedule to reply. While I was there, I checked report 996 – as I thought, the items were my father's old tailoring equipment, which he no longer needed after his retirement. I hadn't the heart to tell her that I didn't need them, because of alchemy. And that they were only used for silk, while the uniform is either cotton or wool. And to use the wrong fabric for even a strand would be to betray all not only my country, but my soul!

There were but three packages left. The first was the account of my research grant. It seems that I accidentally managed to spend most of my research budget already, and I have been unaccountably denied additional funds for my important project. I sighed – it seems the world will have to wait for the knittable gun. Perhaps I should go back to the plan of a knittable grenade? While it has been not impossible, it does have the minor problem one must carry around guncotton in your pocket to do it. And it's hard to time probably. Or ignite consistently.

The second package was from Dublith. It was a curious package – I did not recognise the hand writing. I opened it up and read:

 _Dear Cloth Alchemist_

 _Do you think it's possible to make an eye patch which is partly see-through, but you still can't see my eye behind? I was thinking of wearing two eye patches to train myself for the dark. And test my guards observance by switching the eye they're on every now and again._

 _Let me know if you think it's practical._

 _Fuhrer King Bradley_

My heart leapt. Fuhrer King Bradley wanted my skills! Well, this had to be my first priority. I shouted to Blackhammer. 'Private, remove the guncotton from the area! It is now useless to use!'

'Are you sure sir? It can be a bit dangerous? Blackhammer asked.

'You're right, Private.' I replied. 'Just burn it instead.'

Blackhammer piled up the guncotton to take it outside for incineration. I had a place in a nearby alley for testing. 'You might want to take out this package with the guncotton.' I said, holding up the last one and walking out of my office. 'It's not to anyone here. Just to some Richard, but there's no one here of that name.'

'Um, sir?' Private Blackhammer said. 'That's my name, sir.'

'What?' I asked. It occurred to me I hadn't asked. 'But it doesn't have your full name or rank on it! Who would send you a parcel like this?'

'I think it's from my mother, sir.' Blackhammer said, taking the parcel. 'She hasn't seen me for a while. I didn't get to send a letter home till that time off early last week.'

He opened the package. He smiled. 'Ah, sir, it's a pair of gloves!' He held up a pair of red mittens. They had R on one, and L on the other.

'Very nice, Private.' I said. I decided I should be polite, given my earlier mistake.

'She also made a pair for you, Major.' Blackhammer passed over a second pair. They were identical, except they were green.

'How nice,' I said, taking them. 'I must write a thank you letter. What is your mothers address?' I asked Blackhammer.

'It's Moor Farm, Wrenfall, Lance, South Area.' He told me.

'Thank you, Private.' I walked into my office, closed the door and began writing.

 _Dear Mrs Blackhammer_

 _First, thank you for the mittens._

 _Secondly, i wish to complain about the atrocious education your son has received. He lacks the most basic knowledge of knitting, sowing or tailoring bar that I have taught him. He is unable to tell gloves from mittens. And he lacks even the politeness to inform his superior officer of his name without prompting!_

 _Third, I know the difference between left and right._

 _Fourthly, the needle work is sloppy. I advise you learn how to knit probably. I fear that this work is only suitable for grenades._

 _Yours sincerely_

 _Mayor Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist_

I folded up the letter and placed it in an envelope. Well, another vital task had been completed, and a new task had been given to me! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again! 

**So a bit of change of pace here. I'll probably have do these much less regulary - I'm going to be busy. Feel free to give me suggestions for ideas for future storys, and thanks for reading.**


	7. Chapter 7 - A Travesty of Trousers

Disclaimer - One of them were waiting for me. It was bigger than the others, but I had only one option - kill it to survive. The power cables were my alley - it ran into them, voltage casting off it, burn it apart. I laughed. I took my first life, and laughed. What have I become? I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist

The next week started quite frantic for us all. The first day was spent making a plan of action for my project from the Fuhrer (code name, Operation Enduring Resistance),which was hampered by Blackhammer being on leave. Then the next day we found there was a smell in the office and all work had to halt till the source, Blackhammer's sandwich, had been located. The day after, the fifth laboratory exploded.

This all caused a great deal of bother, as the amount of dust this kicked up made a lot of the on duties officers' clothing dirty. This further delayed Operation Enduring Resistance, due to the amount of clothing we had to process over the next few days.

'So, Major, maybe we should take a break?' Blackhammer asked. 'There's a quite a lot of stuff to deal with.' He pointed at the pile of laundry. It had piled up below his neck.

'Private, what would kind of attitude is that? What would your father say if he heard you say such things?'

'I think he'd probably have a cup of coffee with me, Major.' Blackhammer replied.

'Private, your family is extremely bad for using in rhetorical questions.'

'Thank you, sir' Blackhammer saluted.

'Never the less, we must continue undaunted. Let us begin another batch!'

We started to gather up clothing into the water in the transmutation circle, the clean ones folded up to the side. I brought down my hands, and the transmutation light flew around, releasing the dust from the clothes. 'Pull them out Private.' I commanded. He nodded, and began pulling them out by a stick to the next circle.

I surveyed the circle as he placed the trousers within it. 'Private, what does that symbol mean?' I asked, pointing. I was beginning his training, and I was testing if he yet knew alchemical basics.

'I have no idea.' he replied.

'What! Have you learned nothing?' I asked, beginning to shout.

'No sir, I mean I have no idea because I can't see it – there a clothes in the way.' He poked some out the way. 'That's the process of separation, right?' he asked.

'Yes, Private. And what about that one?' I pointed to another.

'Um, oxygen?' He asked hopefully.

'Good guess. It's water, Blackhammer. The symbols are similar though.'

'Am I interrupting something?' came a voice from the door. I looked over to see Corporal Brightsilver peaking through.

'Oh no, Corporal. Come in. Let me get you a chair.' I pulled out a piece of chalk to make the transmutation circle.

However, Brightsilver stopped me. 'No thanks, Major. I just wanted to give you this.' She handed me a file.

'What is it?' I asked.

'You know you asked me to send you copies of any reports from the Fullmetal Alchemist? Well, this one I thought you'd find very interesting.' Corporal Brightsilver grinned.

I opened the report, and my eyes widened. The Fullmetal Alchemist was in Central! And they caused the explosion at the fifth laboratory! So it was they who delayed Operation Enduring Resistance.

I growled with anger. 'Thank you for this, Brightsilver. We shall act on this shortly.'

'Just remember you owe me one.' She replied, leaving. 'See you, Major.'

'So,' I said to Blackhammer, 'The Fullmetal Alchemist is currently in hospital. We have a chance to confront him. But we must act quickly! So, I want you write up a report on the importance of Operation Enduring Resistance and how this explosion has delayed it, and the practical costs of such a delay.'

'Does that mean I can stop doing the washing?' Blackhammer asked.

'Yes.' I replied.

At that, Blackhammer shot up! 'I'll go do it then, sir!'

I finished the remaining laundry over the remainder of the day. The next morning, Blackhammer arrived slightly late. 'Morning, sir.' He said. 'Here's the report.'

'Private, I would complain about your tardiness, if it weren't for the bow you have put on this report.'

'Thank you sir.' Blackhammer saluted.

'Now then, private, I have spent the evening preparing a plan of action. Please take notes.' I pulled out a map of the Central Hospital onto the table. 'Currently, the Fullmetal Alchemist is staying in this hospital bed. He has received damage to his automail, so is unable to perform alchemy, thus leaving him with impaired.' I placed down a dice on the hospital bed. I had to ransack my sons' toys for markers of my plan.

'So, we just go up and talk to him?' Blackhammer asked.

'I fear not! For you see, he is prepared.' I placed two toy soldiers down outside the door. 'The Fullmetal Alchemist has two soldiers outside the hospital room. Worse,' I placed down a teddy bear on the map, 'the Fullmetal's brother, Alphonse Elric, is also present. He is an accomplished alchemist, and a suit of armour. So he will be a great challenge to deal with.'

'What was that you said about a suit of armour?' Blackhammer asked. I ignored his inane question.

'There will also be a mechanic at some point no doubt as well. I guess we can use this toy horse.' I placed it down. 'Finally, there will be multitude other soldiers, doctors and patients. There movements will be impossible to predict.' I poured a collection of building blocks and a few cuddly animals onto the rest of the map.

'So, do you have a plan sir?' Blackhammer asked.

'I most certainly do, private!' I replied. 'The plan is to first wait for Alphonse Elric to leave the room. Then, you will to go in first to make some kind of distraction for the guards. You will make up some kind of excuse to get them away from the door. Here is a list of suggestions,' I handed him the list. 'I advise number 3, personally.'

Blackhammer looked at the list. 'I'm not sure lightening is entirely believable, unless there actually is a storm going on. I'll come up with something, sir.'

'Alright, Private. It'd had better be good. Assuming a success, I will enter and confront the Fullmetal Alchemist.'

'OK sir. Sounds alright.' Blackhammer said.

'Excellent. Then let Operation Souring Eagle commence!'

Blackhammer raised a hand. 'Sir, you said I could name the next Operation.'

'Blackhammer, I only said that because I assumed you'd forget I said it. But very well, you can name it.'

'OK sir.' Blackhammer thought about it for a while. 'How about Operation Hammercloth?'

'Operation Souring Eagle it is! Let's go, Private.'

The operation began well enough. First, Blackhammer performed reconnaissance, informing of the guard posts. However, there we hit a snag. 'So the brothers not leaving the room?'

'No sir. I guess he doesn't need to.' Blackhammer told me. 'You did say he's a suit of armour, right?'

'This means we move to stage 2. Blackhammer – go distract those guards!'

He went off quickly, and I sat in lobby and read the paper. Apparently they'd been an explosion in East City – some terrorist called Scar had been killing alchemists. The description was familiar somehow.

He came back as I reached the sports news. He sat next to me, and pulled out a small book. It had the title _Courting a Shadow._

'Private, you were supposed to bring a paper to cover your face if we needed to talk quietly.' I whispered.

'Oh.' Blackhammer replied. 'Sorry sir, I thought you just wanted me to have something to do if I got board waiting. That's why I brought cards.'

'Never mind, Private. Are we clear?'

'Yes sir.' Blackhammer beamed. 'The guards a gone. They will be for a while.'

'Then let's move, Blackhammer.' We both stood up and walked away briskly. 'By the way, what did you to get rid of them?' I asked.

'I warned them Major Armstrong was doing another health inspiration round. They decided to take an hour's leave.'

We quickly reached the Fullmetal Alchemist room. I went to the door and wrapped on it, before hiding behind the wall. 'When Alphonse comes out, you will need to deal with him. I'll then go for the Fullmetal Alchemist.' I told Blackhammer.

'Um, sir, he's an alchemist made of metal, while the other ones bed bound with one arm. Shouldn't we switch places?'

'You'll be fine. Now think fast!' I leapt round the door as it opened, the younger Elric stepping out. 'Oh hello – hey, where have-' I slipped in and closed the door. A simple transmutation and the lock were stuffed with wool. Turns out I was wrong – Mrs Blackhammer's gloves were useful beyond grenades.

Edward Elric was not happy. 'Not you again! Didn't you get my letter!'

'Oh, I did, young alchemist.' I replied. At this he flew into a pit of rage.

'What did you call me, a tiny little pipsqueak so tiny I'm smaller than a fleas' – ARRGH!' The stretching he did seemed to have injured him.

'No.' I said, answering him. 'I called you young, they're quite distinct things.'

'Oh.' The Fullmetal alchemist replied. 'So what do you want with me anyway? And what have you done with Al?'

'Your brother is currently engaging my brave assistant, Private Blackhammer, in deadly combat.' I paused. 'Very quietly, I must confess. He does this so I can speak to you now about your latest crime against the state.'

'What? I haven't done anything!'

'Really? And what about disrupting Operation Enduring Resistance, an operation ordered by the Fuhrer himself?'

'I've never even heard of it!'

'But it is my operation, but any other work I have to do disrupts me from the Operation. Like cleaning up after your mess at the fifth laboratory!' I handed him the file. He opened it, then threw it own one the bed.

'It wasn't me, ok. It was these two people – a woman and a man with ouroboros tattoos. And a couple of suits of bound armour. They destroyed the fifth laboratory!'

'So –' I thought through the information – 'your brother blew up the laboratory.'

'No he didn't! You can't get us to do another knitting class for this!'

'All I know, Fullmetal, is that I am owed one days labour for the delay in Operation Enduring Resistance. Plus the time used to perform Operation Souring Eagle!'

'OK, I'm too tired for this.' Edward reached over to a phone, and dialled a number with one hand. 'There's an easy way to solve this.'

I let him ring. I must confess, beyond the point of getting to the Fullmetal Alchemist's room, the plan was basically wing it. 'Hey, Hughes. Yeah, I know, you told me. Yeah, I know, your – daughters – nice, but – listen! I need to ask a favour.' I waited patiently why he talked. I had to be the better man.

'So Hughes, I've got another Alchemist in here. The Cloth Al- yeah, the Laundry Alchemist. So he wants me to work for the time he lost washing socks from the explosion at the fifth laboratory. Uh huh. Huh uh. Ok. Thanks Hughes. Yes I know her birthday's – look, just by.' He hung up.

'Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes just said that you can't ask me to do work for you for something I didn't do.' He lay back in his bed.

'This is not over, Fullmetal!' I shouted. 'You will pay for your magnitude of your crimes!'

'Yeah, sure.' The Elric boy replied. 'Can you leave now? I need to rest.'

'Very well, but you have not heard the last of me.' I opened the door. Outside, Blackhammer was holding a hand of cards, opposite to Alphonse Elric who had his own hand. 'So a three cancels the pile?' Alphonse asked.

'No, the three counts as the thing below it. A two cancels the pile.'

'Your version's a lot different to one I've played.' Alphonse replied. 'Three fours.'

'Private!' I shouted. 'It is time to leave.'

'Yes sir!' Blackhammer said, saluting. He the shook Alphonse's hand. 'Nice to meet you.'

'And you too.' The metal man walked back into the hospital room.

'How could you fraternise with the enemy? Are you not ashamed?' I asked Blackhammer.

'Sorry sir. But you did ask me to deal with him? And it did work.' He pointed out.

I paused. 'That is true. Good work, Private. I will actually let you name the next Operation.'

'Thank you sir. I was actually already thinking about it. How about Operation Twilight Whisper?'

'Private, the right of naming is now revoked. You need to stop reading those romance novels.'

Blackhammer looked slightly downfallen. I could felt the same – two operations, one delayed, one thwarted! I had been beaten, but it is only by these defeats do we become stronger, and so rise above to new victories. So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **So my current plan with these storys is to alternate between silly stories interacting with canon characters and events, and just silly ones involving Egbert and Richard having 'fun'. Hope that sounds good. Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading.**


	8. Chapter 8 - A Continuation of Conspiracy

Disclaimer - Its not human, whatever this thing is. I have inspected its body - it appears to have multiple of every organ, plus many I have no idea what they are. In the centre if its brain I found something worrying - a chip. I have smashed it so they cannot follow me, but they must know I am here. It is not safe, I must move. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

After a brief lunch, I headed back to continue the day's work. I had a lot to do – prepare a collection of test fibres for Operation Enduring Resistance, test Blackhammer's knowledge, research wolf habitats – but first I had the vital task of inspecting the remaining laundry.

The pile of white cloth looked well for the most part. But one piece of clothing was not a uniform at all! It was a long coat, emblazoned with an alchemical symbol. And it was red! The Fullmetal's coat again.

'No, you'll not get me this time!' I said. I put it in colours, and prepared to begin the laundry.

And so ends another victory, with another plot foiled. But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Sorry, I couldn't resist**


	9. Chapter 9 - A Challenge for Cloth

Disclaimer - I've come to a little village. There's no power, and no roads, but that's a good thing. I can rest, recuperate, and move on safely. Its weird - the inhabitants seem to know nothing about what they are. Maybe I'll be safe here, but I doubt it. I will have to leave here soon. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist

The fallout of my last expedition meant I felt we should lay low for a bit, concentrating upon Operation Enduring Resistance. But I hate to say, this was not to be! For you see, I was soon given a challenge I could not back down from.

It began a Thursday morning. Blackhammer had stayed late again and was sleeping, to my dismay, so I used my time doing minor paper work. Checking through the files I had been sent by Brightsilver, I found one of interest – a letter simply address to the Cloth Alchemist. Curious to who it could be, I opened it and read:

 _Hey Cloth Alchemist. Or should I say Suck Alchemist!_

 _You may be interested to know that a real alchemist will be basing through your neck of the woods. So how about a little meet up? I challenge you to a duel! Shall we meet at Notty Hill Wood, Saturday Morning? If you're up to the challenge, which I doubt you are. I doubt you'll be able to SAND a hit._

 _The Glass Alchemist, Major Anna Larkoff_

I began to get mad. How dare she? After all these years, she had returned! This I could not accept. 'Private Richard Blackhammer!' I shouted into the next room. I waited for his response. Then I realised that it was his day off. Hmm. That complicated matters.

I gathered up my materials, made a sandwich, left a note for Corporal Brightsilver, ate the sandwich, made a second sandwich and, with a flick of my cloak, ran out into the city.

I arrived at the place I was looking for quickly. I knocked on the door, and continued to knock as I waited. He was remarkably tardy – it seemed he didn't have the discipline I thought he did. Eventually, Blackhammer opened to door. He was wearing his stripped pyjamas, with his slippers on the wrong way round. He saluted tiredly. 'Sir, its 3 in the morning.'

'Ah.' I said. 'I had lost track of time, Private.'

'Sir, you're a State Alchemist – your proof of identity is also a watch.'

'In any case, we must be ready to do our duty at all times of the day! I need to come inside – here, have a sandwich.' I passed it over to him. He opened the door up more, letting me inside. Private Blackhammer's room was typical of soldiers' barracks, barely large enough to contain the both of us. I sat on the single chair, while he sat on the bed, taking a bite out the sandwich.

'So, sir, why have you come here?' Blackhammer asked, spraying crumbs on his bed.

'I came because I read this letter.' I handed it over to him. He put down the sandwich, and read through it. 'Why did she feel it necessary to point out the pun?' he asked.

I scoffed. 'Who knows what madness lies in her heart?'

'Who is she, anyway?' Blackhammer asked.

'She's an old comrade I used to know, back in the training academy. We even passed the same day. But then one day, she committed a grave sin against me. And that is something I can never forgive her for! And so we became bitter enemies. And now she has sent me a challenge! I cannot let her stop me!' I growled.

Blackhammer looked at the letter. 'Notty Hill Wood. Is that near to the city?'

'It's about a mile away from the outskirts of the city. I imagine it's far enough away so we can duel in private.'

'Right.' Blackhammer put down the letter. 'So, what do you want me to do?'

'Is it not obvious? I want you to help me defeat her! For honour! For glory! For justice!' I cried out.

'Hey, shut up, Richard!' a voice came from through the wall.

'Sorry!' Blackhammer replied. 'Sir, it's very early in the morning. Anyway sir, what can I do? You're both State Alchemists – it's quite out of my league.'

'Do not worry, for I have a plan!' It was a work of genius! I had come up with it years ago, waiting for the right moment. It just needed a little bit of preparation time. 'Now, the duel is set to take place on Saturday, and today is Thursday –'

'Friday, sir –' Blackhammer muttered.

'so we have only one day to get ready. So we need to prepare quickly. So, make sure you finish that sandwich!'

'But, sir, I don't really like pickles...'

'Finish it! Do your duty!'

After Blackhammer eventually finished the sandwich, we headed out into the city. We stopped at Susan's shop, and bought up some fresh supplies. We then headed to the several shops opening early – a butcher, a tailor, a tobacco shop, a clockmaker, a blacksmith, and an alchemical supplies shop. At each one, I made Blackhammer guard outside as I purchased what I needed. By the end, Blackhammer was carrying piles of supplies. We then stopped for lunch at a cafe which served the cities best sandwiches. It was a sandwich day.

Finishing up my meal, I stood up. 'I think I had better prepare for tomorrow. You take the rest of the day off, Blackhammer. I'll meet you at your room tomorrow morning.'

'Yes sir!' Blackhammer saluted, and sharply walked off, salute still at his head. His slippers were still on the wrong way round.

Tomorrow morning, I came back at the same time. Blackhammer was awake, and this time in uniform. 'Are you ready, sir?' Blackhammer asked.

'I am, Private. I've got a picnic ready. Let's go.'

We began our way out to the wood. We took a car, and drove out of the cities suburbs, into the surrounding farmland. 'Keep an eye out any wolves, will you?' I asked Blackhammer.

'Oh sir, I wouldn't worry about that, they don't live anywhere near here.' Blackhammer replied.

'Just keep an eye out.'

Eventually, we drove out to the wood, and got out. 'Look – ' I pointed – 'another car. She seems to have arrived.'

We parked, and walked out. 'Well, hello, Laundry Alchemist! Or should I say Ordinary Alchemist?! Ha!' came a cry. It was Major Anna Larkoff, standing atop a crest by a stream.

'That pun was worse than normal!' I shouted back. 'It didn't even make any sense!'

'Well, I guess I was DYING for your opinion!' There was a long pause. 'Because, we're doing a duel, in which you could die, and dying also means changing the colour of – you know what, never mind!'

I put on my transmutation gloves, and walked forward to face her. 'First to yield?' I asked.

'Of course. Now let us fight! You!' She pointed at Blackhammer. 'Start us off!'

'Uh, right!' He ran over. 'Um, three, two, one?' He then ran out of the way.

I leapt up, knowing what my opponent's first move would be. I transmuted a piece of cloth forward. But it was lost in Anna's transmutation – the ground turned to glass, sharp thin spikes shooting up towards me. I landed on the tip of the spike, breaking off a piece with my foot. I then leaped off, flipping out my cloak to propel me onto a tree branch. 'Your transmutation seems more powerful than before! Have gotten more powerful?' That simply didn't seem likely though. 'Wait, what is the ground made of?' I asked her.

'It's silicon dioxide!' She laughed. 'A simple transmutation! You think I would choose a location without any sand!' She put her hands down, with a flash of light, kicking up a pile of sand, turning to fast shards of sand. I billowed out my cloak, transmuting it to thicken it, blocking myself from the shards of glass. The small shards bounced off, but a couple went through, nearly hitting me.

'Bah!' I shouted, leaping down. 'Glass is terrible for anything – it is nothing but transparent!'

'And you say I don't make any sense!' She shouted back. 'It doesn't actually insult me!'

'Well then, simply know you are a bad person!' Let's see her respond to that quip! I transmuted a metal covered whip forward towards her. However, she put down her hands, raising a wall of thick glass. The whip stuck in the wall.

'You have one last chance!' Anna cried out. 'I'll let you off if you admit take back what you said about my knitting skills!'

'Only if you take back what you said about my mother!' I replied.

'Never!' she shouted. 'Her cakes were awful!'

'In any case, you're right where I want you!' I cried out. I transmuted out a roll of cloth, covering some of the glass wall. I then pressed at a transmutation circle on my whip, activating it.

'What are you on about?' She asked.

'Simple – an idea I had. Glass is brittle after all.' I pulled out the lighter I had bought, and hurled it at the cloth on the wall. It light, and the guncotton exploded. The glass shattered around, hurling the Glass Alchemist into the river. I was protected by my trusty cape, of course. Why are they not standard issue?

I walked away shouting 'I won! You have been beaten!' I went and opened the car door.

'Wait – I never yielded! I haven't lost!' She cried, but I was in the car. It was just denial – regardless it was the actual rules we agreed! Blackhammer was in the car, so we drove off. 'Now, I need to go to a picnic with my family, so I will need to drop you off on the way. You can walk the rest of the way back.'

Blackhammer sighed. 'Sir, why did we need all that stuff yesterday? You only used the cloth and the lighter for the duel.'

'Isn't it obvious! I needed the meat from the butchers for the picnic, and I picked up my new coat from the tailor.'

'And the clockmakers shop?'

'well, I needed a second watch! You showed I needed to be more clear on the time! You don't realise these all vital work! You clearly have much to learn!'

And so another victory had been won – the Glass Alchemist had been put in her place, and I had gotten a new coat! But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Some logical combat abilities for these two - glass is brutal, since most stone is made of silicon. And in theory, if he wanted to, Egbert could turn people's clothing into bombs. So this was a chance to show these ideas off. Also torture Blackhammer. I'm mean.**


	10. Chapter 10 - A Fibrous Favour

Disclaimer - I left, and not a moment too soon. One of them arrived in the village, looking for me. I manage to reach the woods - the one place I have the advantage. It is not a thing they advertise, but they have a single weakness - they are over engineered. They can run faster, jump further, heal quicker, think better, lift greater, but it all comes at price. The price is endurance. It will need far more food than I will, so if it can't find me quickly, it must retreat, hunt, or starve to death. I know it does not consider those options. So it will just attempt to kill me - its only option. So this deadly battle will begin. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

The Monday morning broke with a minor accident on the way to work. I in the end, I had to draw a transmutation circle in the road, clearing away the pigeon feathers. I just wished it didn't keep happening.

Blackhammer was late again, but because I am a generous officer I did not mention it. Instead I simply said 'Private, have you completed your homework?'

'Yes sir!' Blackhammer replied, saluting. He handed me a piece of paper. I inspected it.

'Blackhammer, this was supposed to be a three thousand word essay on the vital processes and requirements for a transmutation. While this seems to be a drawing of a circle with an equation of 'stuff + knowledge of stuff + knowledge of new stuff = new stuff'.'

'Yes sir, i think that is what I wrote, sir.'

'Private, do you not wish to become an alchemist? To learn the sacred knowledge, to use it in service to your country?!' I asked him.

'Em, permission to grunt non-commitantly, sir?'

'Permission granted, Blackhammer.' I said.

'Ugnuh, sir!' he replied.

'I don't know, Private, if you don't buck up this whole department may fall! And then what/ Might Central crumble to ashes, might this great nation fall, because of laziness of but a few-' I was interrupted by the phone ringing. I picked it up and said 'Major Longwood speaking?'

'Ah, hello, Major,' a familiar voice replied. 'It's been a while. It's Colonel Mustang, the Flame Alchemist.'

Colonel Mustang! He was the one who set me up? Was he also responsible for the latest play against me? Who knows how deep his conspiracies go? I calmed myself, and responded. 'Colonel. To what do I owe the pleasure.'

'That's simple enough. I'm here to call in my favour.'

So that was his game! So what did he want out of me? What nefarious scheme would I be dragged into?

'What do you want?' I asked him.

'Well, you may have heard that I'm being transferred to Central.' I had heard it rumoured, but thought little of it. I regretted that now! I should have prepared for this! 'And you know what, I've been given room 246. Not a very good office, I'm sure you're aware. So, I was hoping you could assist me in getting a better office. Perhaps' the noise of ruffling paper came through the phone ' office 48?'

'Well, I'm not sure I can manage such a thing –'

'Or I could reveal your actions in the Eastern Area. The files would propably be left with my replacement here –'

'Alright, dammit!' I shouted. 'I'll get the room for you!'

'Why thank you.' Mustang said to me. 'See you in Central, Major.' He hung up.

So that was this wicked game, his terrible scheme unto which I had no escape! He wanted me to organise room swaping!

I came back to Blackhammer to plan this. A map of central command was laid out, the two rooms marked.

'Why on earth does he care so much?' I wondered. 'They're just rooms!' He shouldn't care so much about such trivial things.

'Well sir, maybe it's an office politics thing?' Blackhammer suggested.

'What do you mean, Private?' I asked.

'Well, look at room 48.' He pointed at the map. 'It's a bigger room, but is also closer to Fuhrer's office, and general staff. Plus, it's along the corridor between the mess and most of the high commands offices – I guess its good to hear whats going on and catch people going for lunch?'

'You may be right there.' I admitted. 'Well done, Private.'

'We used to fight over rooms at home. The third room along the landing had a tree next to the window, so you could-'

'Enough, Blackhammer. You have much to do!' I handed him my copy of Alistair Limes famous work _This and That_. 'I want you read this. It is a highly useful alchemical tome – know all of it, and you may know enough to start practising alchemy.' I gave it to him, and Blackhammer almost buckled under the weight. 'Please the ignore the chapter on medical alchemy, however. Most of the anatomical diagrams are covered in speech bubbles and moustaches.' It was quite an old copy.

'But sir, don't you want my help?' He asked, struggling the book onto the table.

'No, Blackhammer. I got myself into this mess, and I'll deal with this entirely on my own!'

'So you can't deal with it?' I asked Corporal Brightsilver.

'No. First, it's not my job, I just do records. Secondly, the current person using that room outranks both of us. Third, no amount of ironing is going to be worth the bother.' She told me.

'I can also do stitching and washing!' I said, hopefully. Brightsilver sighed.

'Alright, who is in room 48 right now?' I asked her.

'General Raven.' She said, with a bit of disgust. My heart sank. A general? That would make things much more difficult. Still I had to try. 'Could I have his file?'

'Sure, have fun with this, Major.' She handed it to me.

Opening the file, I recognised the face – a tanned skin, with a trim moustache. I occasional act working to make dress uniforms for some of the central command, meaning I have some knowledge of them. From what I remembered of Raven, the man was a fool. He didn't even know what the difference between a cravat and a tie was!

A plan began to concoct in my head. But it would require no small amount of skill, cunning, and determination – but I think all will agree that these are things that I, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, are renowned for!

I knocked on room 48 three times. Eventually, after some waiting, a young officer opened it for me. 'Are you here to see Lieutenant General Raven?' she asked.

'Yes – I have urgent business here.' I said, holding up my pocket watch.

The officer opened the door, showing me the large expansive room. General Raven was sitting at his desk, reading a piece of paper. 'Ah, Egbert! Hello there! Nice to see you!'

'Hello, General!' I saluted. 'I fear I come with important business. For only your ears, General.' I eyed the lieutenant next to me.

'very well – please stand outside for a moment, Lisa.' He gestured her out of the room. As she closed the door behind her, I said 'have you heard of Operation Enduring Resistance?' I asked.

'No I haven't. This is an operation you are involved in?'

'Yes sir – it's from the Fuhrer himself. An alchemical research project. Now, the details are under wraps, to prevent compromising security, but it involves certain alchemical solutions to combat problems, if you understand what I mean.'

Well, it was all true. It just required a little twisting of words. I hated to do it, but I must! Now I just had to hope the General wouldn't ask too many questions.

'Don't worry, I understand. I know exactly the sort of thing you alchemists are doing. So what can I do to help?'

I was surprised – I had expected more problems. But I pressed on. 'I require the use of this room for a few days – maybe more. I'm afraid sir I'm going to have to ask you to move out permanently. It has certain unique locational advantages for my research.' I pretended to check my notes – in reality my shopping list. I was surprised to see we need half the normal amount of eggs. 'I have a replacement room ready, room 246.'

'Yes, yes, of course.' General Raven replied. 'How long would I need to move for?'

'Permanently, as I said, sir.' I told him. 'The research's timescale is unknown.'

'Very well, I understand. And I'll say I transferred of my own choice – to high up for me, this room.' He smiled at me, eyes nearly shut. 'We'll keep the reality, hidden, shall we?'

'Thank you, sir! I won't take up anymore of you time!' I saluted.

'Not at all Major. Good to see you.' I turned and left as we waved me away.

'Well, this is nice to see.' came the voice of Colonel Mustang into the room. It was a few days later, where I and Blackhammer had occupied room 48 for research. A selection of possible eye patches were laid around the room and a few circles were drawn on boards on the floor. We both stood up and saluted as the Colonel entered with a selection of officers.

'Colonel Mustang, the room you asked for is yours.'

'So I see. Everyone, please help move the Majors items out of the room.' With a selection of 'Yes sir's, the circles and books were removed. 'You too, Blackhammer.' I said. He saluted, and carried out the remaining things.

'So, nice room, this. I'm impressed you managed to get General Raven to move.' The Colonel said.

'Thank you, sir. If that will be all, might I just ask – why that favour?' Perhaps if I better understood this man, then I would know how to deflect his manipulation in the future!

'That's easy, Major.' The Colonel sat down at his desk. 'Arriving at Central and getting a General's office is no small feat. Plus its location, it gives me some reputation to work with. Believe me, Major, that reputation is everything.'

'I see. In any case, I shall return to my work. Good bye sir.' I turned to leave.

'Not yet, Major. Just one last little thing.' I turned back. 'I just want to remind you that you may have paid your debt, but the threat I had is still quite possible. So if you ever feel you wish to act against me, or keep something from me that might harm me, it might just cost you your career. Just a thought, Major.' He began to unpack, looking away from me. I walked out, disgruntled.

I arrived back at my office, to see Blackhammer was unpacking. 'So that's all done, then?' he asked.

'I hope so, Private, Now we can return to our real work! How have your studies progressed, Blackhammer.'

'Well, sir! I've read the first chapter so far!' he said proudly.

'Blackhammer , there are over two hundred chapters in that book. Is that really that impressive?'

'What, but the contents page only has-'

'Pages, Blackhammer. Contents pages.'

'Oh.' He looked embarrassed. 'I didn't see those.'

Despite Blackhammer's lack of performance, this was another great victory for me! A debt had been wiped clean, and I was now free to pursue my own goals with a light heart! But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **I need to do more with Brightsilver. I like writing her, but I never seem to give her anything to do beyond 'serve as a information point for Egbert.' However, the only plot lines I have in mind so far are Blackhammer related, so that might have to be a while yet.**

 **Still, let me know your thoughts and ideas. This all from your friendly neighbourhood Snaketooth**


	11. Chapter 11 - Investigation of Incidents

Disclaimer - I hate the waiting. The only way to survive is to march, to keep moving, knowing my hunter is out there, watching, going faster than me, ever closer. But for good or ill, on the evening of the second day, I heard a sound behind me - a crashing of a tree. It was the only thing strong enough to do that. I cursed. In the dark I would be tired and blind , but it could see, and did no need to sleep. I had only one option. Use my one light source, and wait for it to come. I had a gun with two bullets in it. They have skin like Kevlar, so only a point blank range shot would do more than stagger it. Would I even have a chance? There was only one way to find out. I set up my lamp, and waited. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

Brightsilver came into my office, a pile of papers in her hand. 'Major, I need you to sign some of these.' She said, handing them to me.

I took the top piece of paper. 'What are these for?' I asked.

'They're your monthly paperwork drowning. I need you to sign for use of files, budget claims, room switching, clearing up duty, acceptance of loss of life in the line of duty and tea kitty.' She told me.

'Well that seems in order.' I said, starting to sign them. 'But there does seem to be a lot more paperwork than usual!'

'Tell me about it.' Brightsilver sighed. 'I've been thrown out my office, so I have to just carry it all around with me.'

'What!?' I shouted. 'Who would dare to do such a thing!?'

'There's an official investigation going on into Lieutenant Colonel Hughes death. So yeah, I'm just carrying around files until then.'

'That is nonsense! You can stay here till your office is back to normal.'

She bit her lip. 'Yeah, I'm going to say no to that.'

'What! But why?'

'Well, for one, there appears to be a smashed window in there. And a new piece of glass next to it with the label "Don't blow up while Blackhammer's there" on it.'

'Well, I wouldn't blow it up when you were there either!'

'No thanks, Major. Just sign these forms, please.' She passed over the complete collection.

'Very well, Corporal.' I began to sign the collection of forms.

A few minutes later, Blackhammer ran into the room. 'Sorry I'm late, Major!' he said, panting.

'Private, in the last week you have been late on no less than three occasions! This infection of laxness must cease!' A horrible thought washed over me – can that actually happen? 'Now tell me – what kind of foul reasoning do you have for this great neglect of duty!'

'It's kind of private, sir.' Blackhammer said.

'You are a soldier – you have no private life!' That's why I started intercepting his mail.

'Well, sir,' Blackhammer said, stuttering, starting to get embarrassed –

'Out with it man!'

'I've got a girlfriend, sir!' Blackhammer blurted out.

Brightsilver looked over with interest. 'Really? Well, spill the gossip. Who is she?'

'Her names Mary Bludwulf. She's a clerk at the General Library. I met her when I first got leave when I first arrived in Central.' As Blackhammer said this, he was looking at the floor. 'I asked her out a couple of weeks ago.'

'Adorable.' Brightsilver said, smirking.

'So this is the reason for your lateness!' I shouted. 'I do not consider that a sufficient excuse, Blackhammer!'

Blackhammer saluted. 'With respect sir, it wasn't an excuse – it was just an explanation.'

I paused. 'What's the practical difference, do you think, Blackhammer?' I asked him.

'Em, you can still shout at me for an explanation?' he said.

'Never, become a lawyer, Richard.' Brightsilver said.

'Blackhammer, for this insubordination you are to go through standard punishment detail.' I turned to Brightsilver. 'What is standard punishment detail, Corporal?'

'It's either privy duty, or be assigned to you Major, for laundry duty. Though recently everyone's chosen lavatory duty. Go figure.'

'Well, that's your afternoon, Blackhammer! Report to Sergeant Lance now!'

'Yes, sir.' Blackhammer moped out.

'So, that's interesting. Anyway, you finished that paperwork yet?' Brightsilver asked.

'One more.' I said, holding it up. 'But first, I need to ask you something. Bludwulf – recognise the name?'

'Major, are you asking me to look up Richard's girlfriend. Because I think you're confusing me with god here – I only have military files.'

'But where could I find the civilian files?' I asked.

'They'd be in the general archives. But if you're planning to just steal records –'

'Acquire records! So that I can do my duty to the state!'

'Whatever. You could just go to the General Library. You might not even have to steal files that way. Now will you sign that piece of paper so I can get on with things?'

I signed it, and handed it back to her. 'Thank you Major. Please don't do anything stupid.'

As if I, Egbert Longwood, the great Cloth Alchemist, would do anything stupid? Of course not! 'I'll be fine, Corporal.'

I started my preparations by gathering anything I normally prepare when I'm about to go out on a dangerous mission – transmutation gloves, rolls of cloth, maps, chalk, packed lunch, a set of knitting needle and a copy of L. 's work _So you're in a field of bears – how to survive._ Once I was certain I had everything, I headed out into the air of Central.

I was heading for the General Library as Brightsilver had suggested. The library was a collection of all kinds of books, and was said to be the greatest collection of books in the world – even of alchemical works now, I supposed, after the state Central Library burnt down. It would be filled with people, so my plan was simply to ask to take an obscure book out, and use the opportunity to find records in the library. With some skill, I should be able to pull it off.

However, I was immediately hit by a snag. At the bottom of the steps to the entrance, I saw Blackhammer walking from the other direction. He was no longer in uniform but had changed to civilian clothes. Seeing each other, we were both startled and stopped in front of each other. 'Blackhammer! What are you doing here?'

'Uh, when I told Sergeant Lance I was assigned to you, he said I could take the rest of the day off. He signed this.' He held up a leave chit. 'What are you doing here, sir?'

I paused. 'I had to get a book out.' I said eventually.

'A book?' Blackhammer replied slowly. 'Because – the library burnt down?'

'Right!' I had sneaking suspicion he didn't believe me. There was another pause, as we looked at each other.

'And what are you doing here then, Blackhammer?' I asked, trying to make the best of the situation. 'You here seeing Mary?'

'No!' Blackhammer blurted. 'It's not her shift. I'm reading up on alchemy. Like you told me to.'

'That so?' There was another pause. Eventually, Blackhammer said 'So, shall we go in? Since we are both here for books.'

'And nothing else.' I agreed.

'What book are you looking for?' Blackhammer asked me. Thankfully, I had already prepared an answer.

' _So you're in a field of bunnies – how to survive.'_ It was by the same author – but far less popular.

'Really sir?' Blackhammer asked. 'That was in the Central library?'

'Of course not! That was for alchemical research only! That's why I'm at the General library!'

'Er, right sir.'

The General library was as packed with people. I scoured around looking for someone, but to my disappointment the name badges were small and far away. Blackhammer said 'So sir, I guess you'll want to go to the front desk? To ask about your book?'

'Yes alright Blackhammer.' I walked up to the desk and started to queue. Blackhammer hurried off into the library somewhere, disappearing in the shelves. I breathed a sigh of relief. The plan could continue.

Eventually, I reached the front of the queue. A clerk sat there, looking bored. 'Can I help?'

'Of course.' I said, pulling out my pocket watch. 'Where does Mary Bludwulf live?' I decided that the time for subtlety was past.

'Has she done something? Because if she has, I swear I know nothing about-'

'It's alright, there's nothing wrong. I just need some books my apprentice left there.' The idea came into my head in a flash. Why hadn't i thought of it earlier? It was much easier than robbing the records!

'Oh, right.' He breathed a sigh of relief. 'I think she lives in a flat on Bonesmiths Lane - number 12, I think.'

'Thank you very much.' I said, leaving. Based on Blackhammer's movements, she was still at the library now. So that gave me an opportunity to go have a look now!

Only a fool goes into hostile territory without preparation, so I began by finding the flat door an d knocking on it. After waiting for a few minutes, I decided the coast was clear. I then turned around and left.

For you see, I had previously scouted around the side of the building! This revealed to me something of vital import – a window! A single transmutation, and I was whipped up to the window. Is that the word? Seems to say I'm a horse! Or cream.

The lock was an amateur, nothing that a thick boot couldn't solve. I then slide myself around into the flat, and looked around. It was quite a small affair – a couple of tiny shoved together. I pulled out a note book, and began taking notes. After making sure everything was covered, I slide myself out the window, hanging down. I pulled out a piece of chalk, drew a transmutation circle around the broken lock, and activated it. The lock repaired itself with a flash. Happy with my work, I rubbed it out, and slid down the rope to prepare for the final part of my plan.

Later that day, I knocked again on the door. After a short wait, it was opened by a short women with long brown hair. 'Hello? Can I help you,' she looked at my uniform 'Major?'

'I need to ask a few questions, madam. May I come inside?' I asked her.

'Go ahead.' She gestured to one of the two chairs. 'Are you Richard's boss? Bill told me you wanted to get some books, but he hasn't left any over here.'

'No, I'm not.' Most confusing – I don't know any Richard! 'I just need to ask a few questions. They are of top security – please do not reveal anything about this meeting.'

'Alright then. I'm ready.'

'What does your family do?' I asked.

'They live in Melheart – it's a town south of Central. They run a bakery.'

'Why did you move here then?'

'Work. All roads lead to Central, and I didn't fancy baking bread for a living. I can lie in working the library. Plus I can read sometimes.' She told me.

'Can you make a bird noise?' I asked her.

'Hold on.' She made an effort, but it was pitiful.

'Alright. No any alchemists?'

'A few have come in now, after the fire, and Richard said he was learning a bit now, but apart from that, no. There weren't any Melheart.'

'Is your lock alright?'I changed tack, pointing at the window.

'Yeah, you noticed, huh? Yeah, it broke a couple of weeks ago. I haven't had the money to repair it.'

Oops. Well, never mind, I got the answer I needed.

'One final thing, have you seen this?' I pulled out a picture I had drawn of the third of the Fullmetal's coat I had found in the washing.

'Uh, no?'

Dammit! I would have to solve that another time. 'Very well, that has been a great help. I won't keep you.' I got up to go.

'sure? Hope that helped.'

'Oh it did.' I informed her.

Blackhammer was early the next morning, beating me to work. 'Good morning sir?' he said, saluting, looking worried.

'I have good news, Private!' I said. 'Read this report!'

He took it. '"Mary Bludwulf – not a foreign spy!"?' He looked at me, mouth hanging open. 'Why does that have an exclamation mark after it?'

'Well, I had to check, after all. The state was at grave risk, Blackhammer! Could I stand ideally by! Of course not!'

Blackhammer looked through the report. 'What are these things? "No sleeping agents in the cupboards", "No guns", "No alchemical notes", "Didn't notice the lock was repaired" – wait, what?'

'That's not important now Blackhammer. I now know that it is not due to some nefarious foreign scheme you kept being late, but just your own incompetence!' I said happily.

'But what if it was somelse making me late, like the man who repaired my alarm clock, who was an enemy spy? By this logic, shouldn't you check them?'

My eyebrows shot up in shock. 'You're right Blackhammer! Give me there details! I must defeat this agent of evil!'

So another victory over foreign agents has been won, and a new one has begun. Soon I will be sure this department is secure! But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Man, the whole Central library being burned down is brushed off quite lightly. Isn't that hundreds of years of irreplaceable alchemical gone in a flash? Oh well, I guess most of it has copies. Plus someone who has all the books in her head.**


	12. Chapter 12 - A Plan of Pantaloons

Disclaimer - It eventually arrives, moving out of the twilight. It surprises me every time how human they look. It looks up at me, throws its backpack down, looking defenceless. I know better. It stares at me for a second, then darts forward. I'm shocked by its movement - starving to death, and it can still outpace an athlete. It leaps at tree, breaking apart the trunk with a single crash. I aim the pistol and fire - at this range, what can it do?, I thought. I soon had my answer. It was hit in the face, and knocked to ground. but then it stood up again, the round between its teeth. Its face is broken into pieces, teeth bent, but it still functions! It spits it out, and says 'One shot left.' I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

I decided to increase my efforts on my Operation Enduring Resistance, working overnight for several days and accidentally leaving my son at school for three hours. It turns out Blackhammer was right – clockmakers really are part of a conspiracy!

However, soon my work was interrupted again. It was signalled by a knock on my door. 'Come in!' I shouted out.

'Just me, Major.' Brightsilver walked into the room. 'I need my stuff back.'

'Oh right? You have your office back?' For the last week, Brightsilver had been storing papers in my office.

'Yes, they finished off the investigation. I heard Colonel Mustang killed the one who did it. Nasty stuff.' She picked a pile of forms and files. 'By the way, I saw your friend wandering around recently.'

'Really? Major Broadside is back from the Aerugo border?' He was head of the militaries naval division. He had under his command the entire navy – two whole boats!

'Eh, no sir.' Brightsilver said. 'I meant the Fullmetal Alchemist.'

'What!' I shouted, shock filling me. 'But he is no friend of mine!'

'Sarcasm, Major.'

'Right!' I clenched my fists. 'Well then, it seems I must prepare for action!' I opened the door to the main room. 'Blackhammer!' I shouted, making him drop his knitting. Well, no harm done, the fuse wasn't complete yet. 'What are the basic ingredients of gun cotton?'

Blackhammer saluted. 'Cellulose, ammonia and oxygen sir!'

'How would create a steel bar without an iron?'

'Transmute aluminium – it's a two to one combination!'

'Why should you never transmute a material with high unnecessary phosphoric mass?'

'um, you'll shout at me if I do?'

I sighed. 'It can create white phosphorus, Blackhammer. Which is explosive.'

'Yes sir! Explosions are bad, sir!'

'Well, I hate to say it, but you will not be able to catch up on your alchemical knowledge today. I have a mission of vital importance! Search the washing!'

'Yes sir! Um, for what, sir?'

'For misplaced items of course! Now get to it! I must return to Operation Enduring Resistance!' I was nearing completion – as long as I could figure how to prevent special dye in the cloth I was using dissolving in rain. I was afraid of giving the Fuhrer a black eye.

'So, I should probably go.' Brightsilver said. 'Let me know if there's something stupid going on.'

The joke is on Brightsilver – we never do anything hilarious, but serious work for the good of the state! Except Blackhammer's knitting, I suppose. That is hilarious.

After an hour, Blackhammer came back into my office. 'Sir, I've finished the search. Everything was where it was supposed to be!'

'Excellent!' I said. 'then we may begin Operation Blackhammer Does Nothing For Several Hours!'

Blackhammer looked worried. 'Is that an ironic title, sir?'

'It is a literal title, Blackhammer.' I had otherwise had writers block for names – it was either this or ask Blackhammer for ideas. An intolerable position. 'You will be sitting on a chair for as long as necessary.'

'Doing what, exactly?' He asked.

'You will do nothing but watch for people delivering washing.' I told him. 'And if the Fullmetal Alchemist does his terrible deed again, then we will be able to catch them in the act!'

'Sir, can I ask a question? Why do we hate them?'

'That is a foolish question, Blackhammer. Do not let their age and short stature fool you–

'The one I met was pretty tall, sir.'

'-if you stare into their eyes, you will surely see pure evil!' I guessed. I honestly hadn't stared into their eyes. 'Now go!'

He left, and I began to continue my work. The trap was set. Now I just had to wait for him to take the bait. Just like fishing for a minnow, and a larger minnow who was hollow and made of metal. And the minnows were alchemists who misplaced their washing. My analogues need work.

At the end of the day, I left my office to find Blackhammer was still sitting at the washing bags. 'Nothing yet, Private?' i asked.

'No sir. But I did write this useful nomonic to remember the periodic table!'

'Oh really, Blackhammer? Lets here it!'

Blackhammer pulled out a piece of paper. 'Harriet Helens Little Bean Bbq Caters Nick Or Fred. Neville Nags Mugs All Side. Paper Stores Clever Arguments, K? Callum Scammed Tim Valiantly. Crockery Meditation Feet. Colbalt.' He paused. 'and that's as far as I've got.'

'It needs work, Blackhammer.' I opened the door to leave. 'Well let me know if the Fullmetal Alchemist returns.'

'What?' Blackhammer said. 'But I've got a date tonight sir!'

'Are you willing to let it compromise the mission, Blackhammer?' I asked him. 'What if he were to return in the night, and place his clothing in them without our knowledge? What then, Blackhammer? What then?'

'We could tie them up and put them in your office, sir?' He said.

'Oh right. Yes, I suppose that could work.' I admitted.

The next morning, we began our duties. I discovered that a modified eyepatch over each eye still left me unable to produce consistently sized socks. However, I discovered much less from Blackhammer's end. All morning, and not a word from Blackhammer.

'Maybe they won't come here, sir.' Blackhammer said, as I came out to go to lunch. 'After all, they're not actually allowed to have personal effects washed here, are they? They may not want to bother now.'

'I doubt it, Blackhammer. We must always be vigilant! At all times! Anyway, I'm off for lunch.' I said, heading out the door.

I headed towards the mess, but I stopped as I saw a piece if wool lying on the floor. I sighed, picking it up. Blackhammer's creations were truly terrible. Maybe I should start actually telling him how to do it.

However, my stopping meant I now heard a voice coming round the corridor – the voice of Edward Elric himself!

'He's gone now. Let's do it then, shall we?'

'Brother, is this really a good idea? It might just backfire and get us into trouble?' spoke the voice of the metal Elric.

'Listen, I want him out of the way to deal with Scar, and this make him busy for hours! It'll be fine!'

'So what is going on?' I asked, leaping round the corner. The Elrics had walked round corner. Edward was holding a pile of shirts.

'Oh, nothing!' The Fullmetal alchemist said. 'Just putting some shirts to be washed.' He held them out, grinning.

'I see.' I looked on for any deception. 'May I take them?'

'Of course?' Smiling, Edward handed them to me. I inspected them, looking for anything suspicious. There was nothing – just normal shirts.

'Very well.' I said. I placed them in the whites bag. 'I'll deal with shortly.'

'Oh thanks, that's great – now Ling, get em!' And with that shout, a figure burst past me, leaping over me and throwing something into the white bag. I looked on with horror. It was a broken bottle, spilling out some dye into the bag!'

'That's a special dye.' Edward said. 'It binds too strongly for alchemy – you'd have to break down the shirts to make them clean that way. And one is Mustangs – and he wants it on his desk today!' Letting out a laugh of pure evil the three figures ran off, as I shook my fist at them.

'You win this time Fullmetal, but I will have my revenge!'

And indeed I will! But now I must accept my defeat, I fear! I have been out foxed, despite my attempt to be in foxed! But I will win again! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Ah, Major Broadside. It may just be a shout out, but I'm slowly putting my RP characters into my fics. Secondly Broadside, first was Conduit ( For anyone who read Legend of Lai, Conduit was LARP character I played. He was pretty much the same, expect he was less powerful. Still managed to invaded Hell and Heaven for Maguffin's, until a demon, angle and human teamed up and killed him. Good times)**

 **I've been finding the chapters with canon characters the hardest to write at the moment. Would anyone mind if I wrote more chapters purely with OC's? Unless I move Egbert from his little hidey hole, I'm going to have trouble making them keep interacting anyway.**


	13. Chapter 13 - Return of a Rival

Disclaimer - blood streaming down his face, it came at me. It smashed a branch to ground as it did so, uncoordinated - did I manage to do some damage? I had to hope so. Pushing off another branch, it leaped at me, smashing me upwards, and grabbing my neck. With a grip like a vice, in one hand it started to strangle me. I acted on instinct. I pulled out my gun and fired. The bullet caught it in the neck. Both of us fell, but I desperately managed to cling onto a broken branch. It was not so lucky. it twisted as it fell, but gravity has no escape. It smashed on rocks below. I looked on at it, but it was on injury it many. Slowly, coughing up blood, it said 'You maybe free of me, but will you be ever be free of the truth you will hear eternal?' And then it died. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

The morning broke like a thread pulled apart in the tapestry of life – gold, fraying around the edges, about to bring despair! For you see, this morning a terrible event occurred!

I had just returned from an official investigation into Sophie's two for one deal on socks (the jokes on her – you have to buy a single pair to get that. Though I did have to buy thirteen single unmatched socks to prove someone would buy a single sock) to find Blackhammer waiting, looking nervous.

'I think we have a problem, sir.' He held out a letter in his hand. 'It's from internal affairs.'

'What?' I replied, taking the letter and opening it up. I looked at the letter flabbergasted. 'We're under investigation!'

'We are?' Blackhammer asked. 'You sure it's not just you, sir? Or the department?'

'Private, as your commanding officer, I am capable of delegating many things onto you should i need to– laundry, cleaning up after incidents, teaching Private Blackhammer – and I can certainly delegate an investigation on me onto you.'

'I'm not sure that's how an investigation works, sir.'

'He's right – you can't, Egbert. Or should I say Egg-fart!?' said a voice from behind me. I turned around to see my nemesis standing in the door way – Anna Larkoff, the Glass Alchemist!

'It is Egbert. And how long have you been waiting to see me?'

'About half an hour. Totally worth it!' She was mad as ever. She did not have the sense of priority I possessed. 'And you should salute a superior officer, Laundry Alchemist.' She pointed at her uniform – it had changed. 'I'm Captain Larkoff now.'

How could this have happened? She must have put on an air of goodness around someone to be promoted this far – or perhaps found someone who's evil matches hers? Reluctantly, I saluted.

'I suppose you've broken through the glass ceiling?' Blackhammer said jokingly as he too saluted.

That wiped the smile of Anna's face. 'How dare you!' she shouted at him. 'I wanted to make that joke!'

'What do you want, Captain Larkoff?' I asked.

'I'm here for your investigation, of course!' she said. 'Since being made Captain, I have authority from General Phalanx to investigate any problems I might see in the military. So of course I first thought of you.' She grinned again. 'I hope you're cottoning on?'

There was silence. 'You see, cottoning is a cloth, and cottoning on can mean – anyway! I need access to your files to begin my investigation!'

'Very well, Larkoff.' I opened the door to my office for her. 'But you will find nothing of any reproach here! I am the model of a soldier, this department a model of efficiency-'

'Why is there a map of Central with several circles labelled 'Blast radius' drawn on it?'

'That proves nothing!' That side project was never really going anywhere.

The good thing about that day was I finally managed to get a working prototype for Operation Enduring Resistance ready. However, my mood was ruined once more when Larkoff came out of my office, note book in hand like some kind of evil notebook holder. 'Well, guess I'll get the glass laugh on you, Cloth!' the Glass Alchemist said, opening the notebook. 'Let's see what I have here. Wasting military funds on pointless expenditure –'

'Those maskerade masks doubled as gas masks – a saving overall! Plus they can act as very useless shovels!'

'-stealing a room from a general by lying about a project from the Fuhrer–'

'I didn't lie! I presented facts in a way which were completely devolved from context to suit my own needs, that's all!'

'not reporting the activities of the wanted criminal Scar, who attacked you-'

'I've never met that individual! That's nothing but slander!'

Larkoff closed the book. 'Oh I'm going to have fun showing this to General Phalanx.' She walked towards the door. 'See you in Briggs, Shortwood!' She paused at the door. 'Is that actually a pun, or – doesn't matter.' She left. As she did, I put my head in my arms.

'I can't go to Briggs!' I cried. 'I needed you to go to Briggs!'

'Wait, what?' Blackhammer said.

'No matter, Private. We must stop her, at all cost!'

'But how, sir? It's hard to argue with her arguments.' Blackhammer paused. 'How did you get away with stuff before I showed up?'

'Oh, I generally made a free custom suit for someone who disagreed with my flawless methods, and they would shut up.'

'that won't work on Phalanx?' Blackhammer asked.

'I doubt it, Blackhammer.' I sighed. 'He's as fashionable as a mammoth! He simple doesn't care about clothing, if you could imagine that.'

'Wait, were mammoth's especially unfashionable? I'm not sure that analogy works sir.' Blackhammer said.

'In any case, there is only one option!' I cried. 'We must steal the Glass Alchemists notebook, so she has nothing to report!'

'I'm not sure that'll work sir. She may just remember things. With her memory, sir.'

'Oh.' I thought long and hard. 'Then we must do the only other thing we can do!'

'Tell her her knitting's good?'

'NEVER!' I cried. 'I will handle this personally, Blackhammer, if you're going to come out with silliness like that.'

'Thank you, sir.' Blackhammer wiped his brow.

'And by handle personally, I mean you're driving.'

'This is the place.' I said. 'Pull over.'

I got out of the car outside of the main dock area, by the river. The cries of gulls mixed with engine roar gave a brief reminder to the distant sea. 'Here we are.' I said, stretching out my arms.

'I don't get it.' Blackhammer said. 'What does this have to do with getting you off?'

'What do you know about General Phalanx?'

'Nothing – I've never heard of him until today.'

'Well, he is responsible for managing the logistics of supply to the military commands. Most the material is either constructed or passes through Central, so he's responsible for the docks and other non-field portions of the army. Captain Larkoff's job is to locate those who dishonour the rest of the military, those who's inefficiencies fail their duty and make a mockery of us!

'Now, one place where there is much problem is here, in the city docks. Many soldiers are rumoured to take bribes. This is where Larkoff should actually have her work focused! So, if e were to find evidence of a soldier – ideally high up – taking bribes, then the work she was doing investigating us would look like she was simply wasting her time! Which of course, she is!'

'So you just hope to go looking around and randomly see someone who is taking a bribe, without any preparation work? Isn't that a little haphazard?' Blackhammer asked.

'I never do anything haphazard! Has there ever been a single time I have gone inti something with insufficient planning?'

'Well,'

'That was rhetorical, Blackhammer.'

'Right, sir.'

'I was going to say that since Colonel Mustang asked me to keep an ear to the ground, I've been listening to the gossip Corporal Brightsilver hears about. She told me a Sergeant Icestave, who recently bought an expensive gold pocketwatch!'

'On a Sergeant's salary? That's pretty suspicious. I can barely afford to eat at the moment. ' Blackhammer asked.

'Private, don't you have meals in your lodgings?'

'That's how I'm currently able to barely eat, sir.'

'In any case, I think that it's pretty simple what we do – we go in, find Sergeant Icestave, wait to see something suspicious, then arrest him for it!'

'Right! Good plan, sir!'

'Thank you, Private.' I got out my whips and transmutation gloves. 'You got a gun, Private?'

'They haven't given me a gun since I was assigned to you, sir.'

'Just for the best –for our department does not fight with guns, but with wit, cunning, and eventually when we get it right, giant explosions! Let's go, Blackhammer.'

We head through the dock yards. I was looking for warehouse 8, where Sergeant Icestave was responsible for guarding. Finding it, we used my whips to get up to the top of the opposing warehouse. There we lay pressed to the roof, hidden, and waited.

Some time passed. As the moon rose, Blackhammer looked at me. 'By the way, do we actually know what Sergeant Iceshard looks like?'

There was a pause. 'Not as such.' Maybe I should have checked.

'Right.' There was another pause. 'Um, do we actually know if he's going to be here tonight.'

'Again, not as such.'

'So how are we going to be certain?'

'Quiet, Blackhammer. Look!' For the tapestry of life had twisted in my favour. I saw two men heading towards the warehouse. A soldier nodded to them, and let them inside.

'Alright, time to go investigate, Blackhammer!' I said. 'It is time to do what we are paid for!'

'Sir, we are in no way paid for this.'

'To victory!' I cried, latching onto a lamppost with a whip, flying out towards the guards. Blackhammer cried out 'remember, we're under investigation! Do it by the book!'

'Thank you, Blackhammer!' I shouted back. 'Cloth Alchemist, Major Egbert Longwood!' I shouted at the soldiers below. As I landed, I pulled out my pocket watch. 'I need to go inside. It's part of the investigation.' Out of the corner of my eye, i saw Blackhammer put his heads in his hand. I can't think why.

'Sir, I don't think you're allowed in.' One of the guards said.

'Really? And what about those two you let in?' I asked.

'Emm, RUN GUYS!' he shouted out.

'Why thank you!' I replied. Now I could begin without a problem. As the two guards tried to run, I grabbed their uniforms. A transmutation wrapped them up in a more stylish straightjacket. 'Stay there!' I cried out, kicking down the door to the warehouse.

Inside, I was shocked at what I saw. There were pile of military weaponry, boxes of ammunition and crates of rifles piled up. Inside, a truck labelled 'Fred Mitchell's quality cheeses' was half loaded with supplies. The two men, along with a uniformed man I assumed to be Sergeant Iceshard were trying to get in the truck. As I raced forward, the truck began to fly forward, smashing open the door of the warehouse.

'Oh no you don't!' I said. Transmuting my whips, they flicked out, latching onto the vehicle. Unfortunately, I had had a major oversight in bringing my cape. Without it to carry me in the air, I was slammed forward, smashing my face on the ground. It had been a while.

Holding on as tight as I could, I transmuted my final whip. It slammed forward, and the metal nail in it pierced the tire of the truck. Thrown off balance, it flew all over, and tipped up, crashing in a ditch. I jumped at the last second, landing controlled on my two feet. Then I fell over. Doing that landing at high speeds really hurt. Ouch.

Slightly limping, I went over to the truck, and tied the occupants in their clothes. Blackhammer ran over to me. 'The military police have arrived, sir. Are you ok?'

'I'm fine, Blackhammer.' I surveyed the scene. 'Good work, Private. You head home, I'll sort out the rest now.'

'So Sergeant Iceshard was selling weapons to rebels in the East?' General Phalanx asked me.

'That's what his middlemen told us.'

'Well, this is good work, Longwood.' Phalanx looked at the Glass Alchemist sitting next to me. 'Any why didn't you investigate this, Captain? It seems there were already rumours flying round to look at.'

'I'm sorry, General. I just thought-'

'Enough. From now, you'll do the investigations I give you till I think you'll prioritise properly. Thank you, Major.'

'Not at all – I am always happy to help!' I looked at Anna. 'I suppose you've been siliconned!'

'I do the puns – stop stealing them!'

'That's enough.' General Phalanx said.

I left the room full of pride. I had proven my value to the state, stopped a traitor, and most importantly really annoyed Larkoff. But I must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **I'll be honest, I brought Anna back in to make that glass ceiling joke. Eh, its one way to write a story. Not like I could plot out coherent clever story arcs, that'd be silly.**

 **I'd like to as for feedback about the disclaimer story by the way. I have a plan for what will happen with that, but do people enjoy them? I'm considering increasing the amount I do of them per story, but if no one likes them I won't bother. It'd be nice to know anyway.**


	14. Chapter 14 - An Endeavour in Eye Patches

Disclaimer - I sank to my knees. I went see what I could scavenge fro its corpse. It had little - no rations, no weapons - why would it need them? The only things of use were its boots and its water bottle. Taking them, I started to walk away. If I could get a few miles away, then I'd be safe for a while. The forest was too big. I'd be safe here to plan. To plan and think on what it had said. For I knew of what it spoke. I know what I hear, in the night, in the light, wherever I go, always in the bag of my mind. Did it hear it to? Did it know the meaning? Those six words, heard eternal in my brain. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

'We've finally done it, Blackhammer!' I cried! 'Operation Enduring Resistance is a success! Youw ere able to make a sandwich with two eye patches on!'

'Yes sir! This is an achievement I'm sure will never be matched!' Blackhammer replied.

'Now that we have it completed it, we just need to keep it safe.' I took out a briefcase. Taking off the eye patches from Blackhammer, I put them in the briefcase and closed. I then drew a complicated circle around the briefcase from my notes, and then activated the circle. I finally placed a padlock on the briefcase.

'Now listen up, Private.' I said, handing it to him. 'This briefcase has been locked with a padlock. It has no key, and the code is known only by me. After opening it, it requires a second code, possessed only by me again, to open. Should it be forced open, this will release a vial of sulphuric acid, destroying to package inside. To prevent alchemical interference, the material of the insides of the briefcase has been changed from that of the surface. Do you think that is sufficient to protect our precious secrets?'

'Em, sir, is that really all that necessary? I mean, it's just some eye patches.'

'Private Ronald Jacob Blackhammer –'

'Richard.'

'do you doubt the importance of the task we have been given?'

Blackhammer paused. 'Yes?' he said, saluting.

'Well, stop it!'

'Yes sir.' He went to pick up the briefcase. 'And my middles names not Jacob, either.'

'Oh yes, that's my sons name. Easy to them mix up.'

'I see sir.' Blackhammer walked to the door, then paused. 'Did you alter all the insides of the briefcase, sir?'

'Of course not! Do you take me for a fool! I left the package untouched!'

'What about the glass holding the acid, sir?'

I grabbed the briefcase. 'Just a moment!' I rushed into my office, and opened up the briefcase.

I then came back out, tipping out the wet contents. 'Well, that's a tad awkward.' I told him. 'Now I regret keeping your pay check in there.'

Fortunately, we still had the plans for the project, so I did not think it would be long before we had another eye patch prepared soon. However, there was soon a snag in the plan. I discovered this problem soon, when I met Corporal Brightsilver at lunch. 'So how's operation Enduring Resistance gone?' she asked me.

'It is going well! We'll soon be finished!' I informed her.

'Wait, you're not finished yet?' She said, surprised.

'No, I fear. You see, Blackhammer mucked up.'

'Always the way. Anyway, it's just I heard Larkoff told the Fuhrer that you had it done.'

'Wait, what!' I gasped. 'But how could she have told him?'

'Well, she works with General Phalanx now, and he meets regularly with the Fuhrer. She was probably at one of those meetings. I heard this from Sergeant Wallin – he's part of the Fuhrer's personal guards. He was saying he might drop in at some point in the near future. Though that was a day ago now.'

'But how could she know?'

'Didn't she investigate you a couple of days ago?'

'Right!' I stood up. 'If you'll excuse me, I need to go do – things.'

'Have fun, Major.'

'Thank you, Corporal.' I then ran as fast as I could towards my department.

It seemed that I didn't have a moment to spare. As I rounded the corner towards my office, I saw the Fuhrer walking behind me. I slammed into the department. 'Blackhammer, is the replacement still here?'

'Yes sir.' He held the eye patch up, still with a substantial hole in it. 'You ok sir?'

'Well, I fear you will have to stop that. I need to go finish it.' I picked it up. 'In the mean time, I need to delay the Fuhrer, let's say for about ten minutes while I finish this off.'

'Wait, what?' Blackhammer said, as I rushed into my office. 'Distract him? What? Why? How?'

'Come up with some amusing anecdote, of course, Blackhammer! I'm sure you have one! Do I need to do everything!' I slammed the door behind me, and locked it.

I put the eye patch down on my alchemy table. I knew that I would be unable to many of things one would normally have – no name tag, no Amestrian flag, maybe not even washing instructions! I had to focus on the priority – the size and the transparency.

I held up the eye patch to my eye, looking through the completed part. While partially obscured, I still make out quite a few details through it. It would was as good as the earlier ones. While I would have preferred to have done it all carefully by hand, I realised that time would not allow me that luxury. Instead, I could use the work that was already done as a base to complete the remainder of the patch using alchemy. It might be possible to do it this way, and complete it in time so not to disappoint the Fuhrer.

I pulled out my chalk, drawing alchemical symbols onto the circle. When I was sure it go as I wanted to, I placed it carefully down into the centre of the circle, with some black cloth with it. I placed my hands, and with a flash it was transmuted. Holding the eye patch to my eye, I could see I had out done myself – I could see well through the eye patch! A victory for the alchemical arts and last minute rushing!

I unlocked the door, to see the Fuhrer standing in the middle if the room. Blackhammer was talking to him. 'So when Sergeant Alimore found the bicycle in the toilet, I was sent here for a week. And I never left.'

'Fuhrer Bradley sir!' I said, saluting. 'Good to meet you sir!'

'Ah, you must be the Cloth Alchemist.' Fuhrer King Bradley said, smiling. 'I was just having a little chat with your associate.'

'You will be glad to hear, sir, that we have completed Operation Enduring Resistance, sir!' I told him.

'Ah, is that so? That's excellent, Major. Please give me a full report.'

I held out the eye patch. 'It should fit what you asked for, sir!'

The Fuhrer raised his one visible eyebrow, and took the eye patch. I held my breath in anticipation as he put it on. This could make or break my career! Who knows what the heights I could rise to if he likes it, or I could fall to if he hates it!

As the Fuhrer put it on, he burst out in a laugh. 'My, this in incredible! I can see almost as well with this on!' He took it off again. 'And it looks just like my normal eye patch. This is just what I needed, Major. You're department has done good work today.'

'Thank you, sir!' I saluted again. Blackhammer followed suit.

'Private, you said your sister worked in North City now?'

'Yes, sir!'

'Tell her to visit Arcwell sometime. It's an hour walk south, and the hot springs makes a change from the snow.' He opened the doors. 'Well, I won't keep you. If any guards come looking for me, tell them I went to visit my son at school.'

He left. As he did, the two of use gave a sigh of relief. 'Well, that seemed to go well, sir.' Blackhammer said.

'I think so! Good to see that we weren't foiled by Larkoff! Hah!'

'Wait, sorry sir? Why did you need that distraction, anyway?'

'The Fuhrer thought we had it finished, you see. So we had to get it done in time, or we would have been ashamed! Ashamed!'

'Couldn't we have just told him the –' Blackhammer paused –' Actually, never mind.'

So a successful day ends! I have again beaten Anna, and Operation Enduring Resistance is a success! These are things for my department to be proud of! But we must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **What a twist! Did anyone get it? I was wondering, as I tried to leave a hint in the last disclaimer, but I wasn't sure if it was too hidden.**

 **Anyway, Operation Enduring Resistance has concluded! Who knows what will occur next time? I sure don't! But stay tuned for when I actually figure what I'm doing!**


	15. Chapter 15 - A Scandal of Spam

Disclaimer - there's not much food here, but I've managed to scavenge enough to live. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

\- A few days have passed, and no one here. Am I now safe? I can't believe that. I have to keep moving. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

\- Snow arrived. Winter will be in full force soon. I have to find shelter. I just fish the words would stop. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

'So sir, I was hoping I could ask you a question?' Blackhammer said, walking over to me at a transmutation circle.

'Dammit, Private! Can't you see I'm in the busy?'

'Er, no actually, sir. That pipe hasn't moved in an hour sir.' He pointed to the metal pipe in the middle of the circle.

'That's just it, Blackhammer! Delayed time alchemy! It's a whole new field! You activate a transmutation circle, but the transmutation does not occur until later! Look at this pipe!' I pointed. 'With a normal circle, that pipe would have changed into a series of needles within moments, but it has not changed at all! This is a breakthrough in alchemical science!' I cried. 'Or it's just not working.' I mused.

'Does this mean that we have nothing to do today?' Blackhammer said.

'Pretty much, yes.' I admitted. 'So, Blackhammer, what did you want to speak to me about?'

'Well, I was looking at these letters, and we keep getting letters from a Welmark and Sons, Bakers?' Blackhammer said. 'Should we be getting those?'

'Ah, yes. By which I mean no.' I replied. 'I have been investigating these. At first, I thought that they might in code, each of the first letters in a line spelling out the true message. Then I thought the numbers mentioned might represent map coordinates. Then I hypothesised that certain marked letters spelled out a message in a cipher. Now I think they have the wrong address.'

'Sir, how come you didn't think that first? I mean, who would send such an elaborate message?'

'My mother sent the location of my 21st birthday present in the 12th word of a hundred letters from a fictional tailor.' I replied.

'Oh. Never mind then, I guess that's pretty reasonable then.' Blackhammer replied.

'In any case, I now realise that they are actually sending these letters to another E Longwood.' I pointed to the letters. 'Which means you have done well, Blackhammer! We have a new task ahead of us! We must track down both E Longwood, and discover how we these butchers got my address!' And we must – for there was a matter of national security at stake, for someone was sending me junk mail!

Our first plan was to head to the official records office, where with a show of my watch I was able to get in and begin looking for the records of companies. We then realised we got lost in the shelves, and let the record keepers get the information. Disgruntled, he eventually arrived back, holding the paper. 'Here you are.' He said, brandishing it at us. 'Welmark and Sons, 24 Dog-Hang Road, Irusk, North Area.'

'Excellent!' I cried. 'Then it did the fit the one on the letter!'

'Wait, why did you come here?' the record keeper shouted. 'I had to go over to the out Centre record buildings! It's on the other side of town! Why do you think it took an hour?'

'Don't be an idiot? What if they'd moved? Or made an error? Or lie, to confound us? Our very lives could have been at risk if we wandered into that location without checking first!'

'I guess...' The record keeper said, for some unknown reason still annoyed. Probably Blackhammer's odd socks. They annoyed me too.

The city of Irusk was on the border of the North and Central areas. Therefore, it would take a five hour train ride to reach the city. Now, some might say we should therefore get enough supplies since we may have to spend the night there. But that's just what they would expect us to do! Therefore we ran onto the first train heading north. And by ran I mean I threw Blackhammer on, him being slow and not professionally sprinting to get the train, and I whipped onto the back carriage, and crawled in through a window Blackhammer opened for me.

The two of us sat down on at a table, we said nothing for a moment. Then Blackhammer said 'So, sir, I just need to check – what exactly is our plan for when we get to Irusk?'

'Plan? Blackhammer, if I had planned this, I would have had to stop and think! And then I would have lost the initiative? Could anything else possibly be worse in battle?'

'Right.' Blackhammer said, sighing. 'Well, at least I can finish my book.' He pulled out paperback from his coat. It had the title Songs of Shadow.

'Have you been carrying this around all the time?' I asked.

'Sure, sir. I want to finish it soon, so I've been reading it on the toilet?'

What great work of philosophy and truth could have enraptured the young Private so greatly? 'What's it about?' I asked.

'It's about sixteen year old girl who falls in love with this man who can only be seen midnight, and has to choose if she wants to live a normal life, or follow midnight around the world like him. Oh, and she's also in love with the mayors son and she can summon dragons to do her bidding.'

It was a long night, especially after Blackhammer kept getting emotional reading the book, but eventually we arrived in the city of Irusk. Train was now on the edge of the great Northern Plateau, pushing it above the surrounding landscape and dusting the hill tops with snow even in early autumn. The city itself was a curious mix of styles, with Northern style houses in the centre next to the Central style railway. 'This is it, Blackhammer! Now let's find these bakers!'

'But sir, how? We'd need some kind of piece of paper with the streets on it!'

I sighed. 'Private, sarcasm doesn't work if you're being sarcastic about yourself.'

'Sorry sir, I'm very tired.'

A map was located next to the station, showing the city's centre. 'Dog-Hang road is three turns down this one.' I turned to him. 'Now, I want you to scout out the location. Check if it even is a bakers! I paused. 'What's your cover story?'

Blackhammer looked at me confused for a second. 'I'm tired and I want to go to bed?'

'Genius, Blackhammer! Now go scout!' I sent him away. A few minutes later, he returned. 'Yep, it's a bakery. No guards outside or anything!'

'Excellent! No you stay here – you're a liability in this state.'

I arrived at the location shortly, and I prepared to strike. The door had but a single weak lock. The door was a thin one of plywood. I prepared to break it down with a single smash of my boot –

And then I realised I might get in trouble. It was technically breaking and entering, even for a good cause. I wandered back to Blackhammer. 'Come on, let's go get a room somewhere.'

We stayed a night in the Burning Log Inn, with the two of use sharing a bed. I was able to get some rest, and Blackhammer discovered I snored. We all gained from the experience.

'I'm just saying sir, you didn't need to wear pyjamas. You didn't even think we were going to be staying over!'

'But that is the beauty of stripped clothes, Blackhammer! A single transmutation, and they can be any clothes you need, bar uniform! Besides, I would hardly want to be underdressed!' I paused. ' What do you wear to sleep in the field?'

'I've never slept in the field, but I normally sleep in my underpants? Then I have fewer clothes to buy.'

I sighed. He was a lost cause. 'Never mind – look. Our target!' And so it was – we stood outside the bakers, the glowing light of the ovens spilling out. 'Do you have the letters?' I asked.

'Yes sir!' Blackhammer saluted, bringing them out.

'Excellent! Now, let us move!' I stepped forward into the shop. As a little bell rang, I shouted out 'Nobody move! It is I, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist!'

Inside were two bakers, one in the process f handing a loaf of bread to a customer. 'Put down the bread!' I shouted. I once saw a man use a loaf take off a man's arm. Training academy with alchemists can be intense, especially when you're with Exploding Bread Dave.

'What is this?' the baker said.

'Are you Welmark or Son?'

'Welmark! What are you here for?'

'Read him the charges, Blackhammer!' I told him. The private came in, holding a piece if paper.

'Right! You are charged with the following: sending junk mail-' he put the paper away.

'You heard the Private! So, confess!' I said.

'What is going on?' asked Son.

'Did you send these?' I held out one the letters. Welmark took it, and read it. 'Yes?'

'Who is E Longwood?' I asked.

'Edward Longwood.' He said. 'Why?'

'But I have received it instead! I, Major Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist!' I cried.'How did you get my address?'

'I don't know? It was probably just a mistake! I just looked through the phone book for addresses.'

'Well, stop sending me letters!'

'Ok! I will!'

'Good.'

'The pipe has not changed, sir.' Blackhammer said.

'That's a shame. The future of cleaning before dirtying will have to wait, I fear.'

Blackhammer sat down by the pile if laundry. 'Well, I guess maybe you should find a new research project. You could start working on the knittable gun again?'

'Unfortunately, there are new orders about keeping explosives on sight.' I sighed. 'Maybe I should develop a way to make socks that work with sandals!'

'Er, why?'

'To test the limits of fashion, to show that any combination may be plausible in the end! Is that not the tailors dream?'

And so another victory has been won! No longer will we plagued with details of cakes and pastries! But we must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Ah, junk mail. That curse on modern life. I'm glad that someone's fighting against it.**

 **Also - shameless plug! Do you like Hellsing? Would you like to see Alucard fight the homunculi? No to both? Then don't check out Annihilation of Souls, by me, Snaketooth!**


	16. Chapter 16 - A Caper of Capes

Disclaimer - I saw a light in the distance. Out of options, I headed for it - thankfully, it was a human. A charcoal burner, sitting alone. I couldn't risk anything - before he saw me, I leaped out the woods and raised my empty gun at him. 'The caged whale knows nothing of the mighty depths!' I cried to him. He responded 'While the caged sloth is completely free'. I sighed with relief. I was safe. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

The next week brought the falling shadow of ineffective light bulbs as the northern clouds came down upon Central. The city was hit by hail and rain, throwing up mud upon the streets. Umbrellas filled the alley ways, turning it into a river of oil rolling across the city, threatening to burn it all asunder! Though oil would be on top of the water, so that metaphor breaks down a little.

The down side to this was, of course, the discomfort and the light chance of a fever. The upside was it was character building for Blackhammer.

'Are you sure this is the best day to do it, sir?' He asked me, trying to shelter under a tree.

'Of course!' I said, wiping my dripping hair out my eyes. 'Besides, it's something you'll need to get used to! During my training, we once spent three days out in a thunderstorm, lightning falling around us, ourselves the tallest thing for miles around! But did we flee? No! We stayed put till we were ordered to leave, to show we had the courage to be a solider! The times those skills have saved my life is uncountable!'

Blackhammer furrowed his brow. 'I thought you hadn't been in the field?' he asked.

'Never in my life!' Foolish Blackhammer – if he understood mathematics, he'd know that zero is uncountable.

I finally finished drawing the circle in the earth. Happy with it, I placed a bucket in the centre. 'This should be one of the simplest transmutations possible!' I said. 'The transmutation of water.' I placed my hands down, activating the circle. Rain falling was dragged into the bucket, filling it with sparks of alchemy. 'It involves only a single substance, no change in chemical or elemental structure. It is just moving things around! I think even you can move things, Blackhammer!'

'I can pick things up?' he hazarded.

'You'll need more than the ability to lift things, Private! But it isn't very difficult, trust me Blackhammer!'

'Just pull energy from the centre of the Earth, bring it up through zero distance, and move each individual water on its own all at the same time in an instance?'

'Right! A piece of cake!' I replied.

'I'm sorry, Major.' Blackhammer said. 'It's just I'm not even sure I know what to do. The books I read, they didn't seem to make it clear.'

'Private, I've already drawn the circle for you. That means all you need to do is, as you touch the circle, have an understanding in your mind's eye of what you want to create, and the starting materials. As long as you understand the nature of those two things, and ensure you account for equivalent exchange, then you'll have no trouble.'

Blackhammer brightened up. 'Really, sir? You believe I can do it?'

'Of course! When have I ever lied to you?' I had a list somewhere – I'd have to add this to it. But there's no other way to test progress.

'Now, Private, I want you to transmute the water in that bucket into ice. This requires you to release energy into the air, but you won't need to bring in additional energy. Now, let's see you do it, Blackhammer!'

Blackhammer nodded. He rubbed his hands together, and started to breath slowly. He closed his eyes, and kneeled down next to the circle. He opened his eyes again, stared at the bucket of water, and brought his hands down the to the transmutation circle.

Nothing happened.

Blackhammer looked at his hands, then rapidly, with increasing anger, put his hands up and down on the circle again and again. 'Damn it!'

'Never mind, Blackhammer.' I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. 'It takes time to get it right. You'll need to try and better understand about the structure of water to be able to do it.' I looked over the scene. 'Break up this circle, Blackhammer, and then we'll head back to the office.'

We arrived back at the department, where I got washed and changed from my water polluted clothes. I then got together some eye patches to take for the Fuhrer. He was happy with Operation Enduring Resistance, and had requested extra eye patches. Blackhammer was left to read up on theory of alchemy. I'd told him to not get the book wet. Sitting drowned drying slowly is character building.

However, as I walked to the entrance of the Fuhrer's office, I saw something so shocking that it nearly stopped my heart! A sight that I could never have imagined in my darkest nightmares, but never the less stood before me! For you see, I saw the Fullmetal Alchemist – walking out of the office!

With him were his brother, and Colonel Mustang. I leaped back around the corner, pining myself to the wall, out of sight of the Elric boy. He was here! Last time he was in Central, he had callously attacked washing! Could he think I would let an injustice like that stand?

I thought about what to do. If he was seeing the Fuhrer, did he have some influence that I did not? I would have to be careful, I would have to be cunning, I would have to be-

'What are you up to, Major?' a voice asked in front of me. I turned, to see the Colonel at the corner I was hiding near.

'Being stealthy, sir!' I replied instinctively, saluting.

'Well, Cloth, the Fullmetal Alchemist has gone. I don't think he saw you.' The Colonel wandered off, seemingly slightly distracted. I collected myself, took the eye patches to the office, and then creeped my way back to my office.

'So you see my predicament, Corporal.' I said to Brightsilver, standing at her desk. 'I must be careful moving against him if he has the Fuhrer's favour. So I must do it with great stealth!'

'Or,' Brightsilver replied. 'you could not do anything, and go on with your lives. And let me get on with mine.'

'You mean, let him continue after the terrible actions he has committed? Never!' That washing took an extra fifteen minutes than usual!

'Look, Major, they aren't officially soldiers, so bar they're home address, I can't give you much to tell you what they're going to be or going to be doing. I get reports from Colonel Mustangs department at least a week after they happen.' Brightsilver explained.

This was worrying. 'Then I must consider a new path!' I shouted. 'What are they working on? What is there research?'

'I'll check. It might say.' Brightsilver pulled out the file. 'That's interesting.' She said. 'It says they're looking for the Philosophers Stone.'

'What? That's madness!' I said. 'But if I hear a rumour of the Philosophers Stone, then they'll be going after it, so I'll find them there too!'

'Good look with that.' Brightsilver replied. 'Oh, actually there is something.' She pulled something out of the file, and placed it on the table. 'It's a receipt for a hotel in Central they claimed. There's a few others for the same one. You could probably catch them there.'

A flash of genius came over me. In that instance, I knew what I had to do! 'Quickly, Corporal! I need forms!'

'Which forms?' she asked.

'All of them!' I cried. I forget how they're numbered. This way I'd definitely get the one I wanted.

Our operation began that evening. Me and Blackhammer prepared with everything we might need – transmutation circle gloves, whips, medicine, water, food, cooking equipment, knitting kit and two tickets to West City. You never know.

Blackhammer was not happy about it. 'I don't see why we have to do this? I mean, I have a plan for tonight.'

'I can't imagine what could be more important than this, Blackhammer!' I said. 'We have a dangerous foe to deal with!'

'But can't deal with him in work hours?'

'Blackhammer, justice is working at all hours, and so do we! And no, justice does not get overtime.' I told him, as we prepared to go.

We headed over to the hotel, wandering through the cleared up streets, the clouds broken, and water evaporated from the streets. I moved stealthy through the streets, unseen by nobody. This was helped by the fact it was past midnight by the time we reached the hotel, and nobody was out at all. Good thing too – those pots on Blackhammer's back were too loud to be sneaky.

As we both entered the hotel, we saw a single receptionist sleeping on the counter. 'Can I help you?' they asked, waking up as we entered, still very sleepy.

'Major Longwood! Is the Fullmetal Alchemist here?'

'Who?'

'Edward Elric!' I replied.

'Uh, yeah. I think so. Why?'

'I am a State Alchemist!' I said, revealing my watch. 'I need to know his room!'

'It's room onwuhuh.' The receptionist fell asleep.

'Well never mind, it's on the receipt.' Blackhammer said.

'Do they never change rooms, Blackhammer?' I aksed him.

'Oh right. Sorry.' Shame – I was hoping he'd tell me. I'd never used hotels before our trip to Irusk. I'd just used intense knitting on trains to replace sleep. I pulled out a register, and opened it find the Fullmetal Alchemist. 'Here we go. Onwards Blackhammer!' I cried.

Blackhammer put down most of his backpack at the reception, and we made our way to the room as silent as possible. Hiding outside, we stood on each side of the room.

'Alright – you know the plan?'

'Yes sir.' Blackhammer saluted, as quietly as he could.

'Good. Three- two –one-go!' I whispered. At go, I knocked on the door.

'Who is it?' Came a voice. 'Give me a moment.' The door opened, revealing the Fullmetal Alchemist.

'You!' He cried, and pressed his hands together, forming a blade form his arm.

'You dare threaten me, you petulant child!' I whispered.

'Don't call me a pipsqueak!' He shouted, leaping forward with his blade. I leaped back, our two capes billowing out in unison. I transmuted forward my whip, wrapping it around his arm. It twisted with other whips hurled out into the walls, tying it up. 'Now I've got you!' I cried.

'No you haven't!' The Fullmetal Alchemist clapped his hands, and disintegrated my whips with a touch. I looked in horror – that was the skill used by Scar! Now he engages in plagiarism! Is there no end to his crimes?

'Brother, what's happening?'Alphonse Elric said, coming out side. 'What are you doing here? Oh, hi, Blackhammer.'

'They Al.' He replied. 'Nice to see you.'

'Can we all keep it down?' I whispered. 'Some people are trying to sleep!'

'What do you want with us this time?' Edward said. 'It's the dye, isn't it?'

'Yes, it is.' I replied.

'Kind of obvious, brother.' The metal suit said.

'So? I just needed you out my hair. Call it quits, OK?'

'Not yet, Fullmetal!' I continued. 'There's a matter we must first deal with! That cleaning work took up valuable time my department needed for Operation Enduring Resistance! As such – Blackhammer?'

'Right, sir!' He said, pulling out a piece of paper. He handed it to Edward Elric.

The Fullmetal Alchemist looked at it, curiously. 'What is this.' He squinted. 'A bill!'

'To your research grant. For cleaning work, alchemical training, and time wasting.' Blackhammer continued. I was pleased with the plan. Using the weapons of paperwork, official documentation and regulations – the weapons of a true hero!

'Why did you have to wake me up for it?' Edward asked.

'So you would not escape it! I will not be tricked again, Fullmetal!' I replied. 'Finish the speil, Blackhammer.'

'So, you've got two weeks to contest the bill, or we'll be free to take it from your account at our discretion. You should make the contention in Central within that time, and if you contest and fail yu will be expected to pay all court fees. I think that's it?' Blackhammer finished.

'Good work. Now, let's move!' We both walked away, leaving the Elric brothers behind us in what must have been in state of despair, knowing the crushing defeat we had wrought them.

And so another victory has been won. The wrongs of the past have be righted! But we must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Egberts actually incorrect - or correct in a really pedantic way. Uncountable is for a set with infinite elements. So zero is only infinite if all the elements of a set are 0, but then its not really uncountable as you know all the elements exactly.**

 **Also, how has it taken me this long to use a Caper of Capes as a title? Its practically gift-wrapped for me!**


	17. Chapter 17 - A Chemical Contest

Disclaimer - The person I found was called Karl Lance. He lead me to his hut, where he had supplies hidden outside the basement - food, a map and compass, and a knife. 'They'll save your life.' he told me. He offer the hut for the night, but I had to leave in the morning - to risky other wise. 'They occasionally come this far in - a quick one only takes a day to get here from the road. So where will you go?' he asked me. 'Where can I go? The last places are in ruin.' I replied. 'Well, there's old strongholds in the mountains. You'll be safe there. I don't know how many are working, but they're hidden.' I thanked hi, and in the morning I set off, hope in my heart again. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

'Good morning, Blackhammer.' I said, as he walked into the department, my office door open. 'Pass me some paper, will you?'

'Sure thing, sir.' He passed it over to me. 'Sir, what's the whisky bottle for?' he asked. 'And the rags?'

'Can't a man keep the ingredients for a Molotov in his office without people getting suspicious?' I asked, pulling out a pen.

'Emm, yes?' Blackhammer said.

'If you must know, Blackhammer, the rags are left over material, and the whisky is unrelated to them. It is for my latest scheme.' I told him, beginning to write my letter.

'Scheme, sir?' Blackhammer asked, sitting down next to me.

'A chance to get my revenge on Anna Larkoff, Private! For her despicable moves she was made against me!' I told him.

'Are you going to challenge her to another fight, sir?' Blackhammer asked. 'I think I still have sand in my clothes from the last – and I nearly got impaled on a shard of glass.'

'It was a day at the beach, Blackhammer! What did you expect?' I asked. 'But no. I do not plan to stoop to her crude level. This plan will be carried out with cunning she cannot hope to match!'

'Really? What is it?'

'First, it involves you taking this letter to Larkoff.' I said, licking the envelope and placing it inside.

'Sir, do you really want to mess with the Captain again? I mean, she's in internal investigations, and if General Phalanx finds out, you could be in big trouble. You could get demoted , your career could be ruined-'

'I don't need your help, Blackhammer.'

'Oh. OK then, I'm sure it'll all go smoothly, sir.'

I waited, doing some minor stitching work as I prepared for the Private's return. It seemed that several of Colonel Mustangs clothing had become a damaged. He really needs to be more careful – after all, paperwork is more dangerous than you would think!

Eventually, Blackhammer returned with a reply. 'She agreed to your offer, whatever it was.'

'Ah, excellent, Blackhammer.' I said. Everything was going according to plan. 'Then I'm afraid I won't be able to be here tomorrow. You will have to hold the fort till then.'

'But sir!' Blackhammer said, shock in his voice. 'You can't leave me here without you!'

'I'm touched, Blackhammer.' I told him. 'But I'm sure –

'Tomorrow is laundry day, sir!'

Despite Blackhammer's protests, I left him to hold off the hordes clambering for clean trousers that I assumed would naturally come; I made my way out to the site where I would meet Larkoff. It was at a far different place to the latest occasions – I asked to meet her in an early morning in a cafe along the western canal. The sun was rising in the sky when I arrived, flowing over the landscape the colour of really badly stained pink cravat. I ordered a coffee, and waited for my opponent to arrive.

Eventually, the Glass Alchemist arrived. 'So, what is this about, Egbert?' she said, sitting down opposite me. 'You got bored of stitching socks?'

'Ha! I would never get bored of mending socks!' I told her. 'But I needed to speak to you about this rivalry we have. I hate to suggest it, but I fear we must end it once and for all!'

'I'm surprised at you – I thought you'd _silk_ it for all its worth!' she replied. Then she punched her side. 'Damn it! I should have got a drink first – I could have used milk in the pun!'

'In any case, I propose that we have a wager – a contest!' I continued.

'Oh really? What do you suggest?'

'It's simple – an alchemical contest! We provide each other the material, and we must create the finest item we can, with all our knowledge of alchemy we have! The ultimate battle of wit, wisdom and cunning!' Though that was a tad exaggeration – that title belongs to tiddlywinks.

Anna thought about this for a moment. Then she said. 'Of course – I accept! You'll be shattered in this battle!'

'That's not really a pun, Larkoff.' I told her. Excellent! Everything was going according to plan!

'Still true!' she replied. 'I'll meet you on the field of battle tomorrow morning!'

'It's closed.'

'Then I'll meet you in Armstrong Park! Near the pond!'

And so the next day, I went over to the Armstrong Park, overlooking the rest of cities streets. The clouds had drained the colour from the cravat turning the morning a grey colour. Like the colour of my mother's cakes.

It sat on the bench, whisky bottle in one hand, a loaf of bread in the other. A series of ducks came over to me, where I scattered bread for them. A few pigeons did too, but they could not hope to match my prowess in battle.

The clouds slowly got darker as I surveyed the landscape. I would need to be wary. Larkoff might bring any manner of terrible starting material for me to transmute. If she brought a series of string, or a pile of collected fluff, I would be in trouble. Or maybe she would bring something outside my expertise to transmute – would she be so fiendish as to do some as terrible as bring a screwdriver?!

To my dismay, rain drops began to fall on me. While it would not make me back down, it was a nuisance. I might trip and fall on the wet ground, and so change a transmutation circle beyond recognition! I had to be prepared for every eventuality.

The pigeons returned in great numbers. They still could not match my fury.

Eventually, I started to wonder where Larkoff was. Several people had walked past me, but no Captain, and no Stat Alchemist. As I pondered on this fact, I got out my pocket watch. The time read 11.21. Ha! Could Anna not face the challenge?

'Major?' A voice came. I looked up, to see a young soldier standing in front of me and saluting.

'At ease.' He lowered his salute. 'What is it?'

'I have this letter.' He handed an envelope to me, which I opened and read:

 _Dear Major Long-dud!_

 _So I thought about showing up, but it seemed a bad idea – you probably had something planned. So I just made a mess of your laundry while you were gone. Guess I pulled the wool over your eyes!_

 _Larkoff_

 _P.S. This letter is covered in a very thin layer of butyl lithium, so even short period of contact with the air –_ the smouldering edges engulfed the letter and left it ashes. 

Ah. This was not according to plan.

'Blackhammer, how could have allowed this to happen?' I asked. I held a coat up – light pink was scattered across it.

'I'm sorry sir!' Blackhammer stammered. 'It must have been snuck in while you were away!' He held up the red shirt. 'It was this! I only noticed when I started washing, and then it was too late.'

'It's alright Blackhammer – it's not your fault.' I said, trying to hold in my rage. 'Curse you, Glass Alchemist! I have no proof, and I can't go against a superior officer on my word alone.' I sighed, sitting in a chair. 'To think, I had the perfect plan! The 'whisky' for her to start with was actually pure ethanol laced with highly volatile dyes. On altering the glass, it would have exploded, showering her in a tasteless mixture of colours!'

'It's a shame you didn't tell me your plan, sir.' Blackhammer said. 'I could have pointed out problems with it.'

Perhaps Blackhammer was right, but the rage I felt was too much to give his views at this point. I had been defeated, by my arch rival no less! But I will not be defeated next time! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **In case you've never used Butyl Lithium, that stuff is nasty. I once was in a lab, and the dripping butyl lithium was igniting as soon as it came out. It ignites water. Its not fun. So please don't eat it.**


	18. Chapter 18 - A Suspence of Scarfs

Disclaimer - Following Karl's advice, I headed into the mountains. The roads were hard - as I went up snows started to blow down from the mountains. Each night was a battle against frostbite - every day a battle against hunger. The only good news was that the cold would prevent them from following me - they would simply use up too much energy. Eventually I found the old stronghold - a stone tower, looking like a crumbling ruin. I knew better however. In the bottom of it, I brushed aside foliage to find a trap door. I opened, and leaped inside. I was finally safe. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

'Blackhammer, what is this appalling thing I see in front of me? This terrible object, whose mere existence destroys happiness from the world, leaving nought but despair in its wake?' I ask him, sitting at desk. Blackhammer had just placed the offending item in front of me.

'It's a scarf, sir.'

'I thought so, Private. Carry on.' I turned back to my papers.

'Em, sir?' Blackhammer continued. 'Don't you want to ask why I brought it in?'

I sighed. 'Alright – why are you showing it to me?' I asked.

'I made this. I was wondering what you thought.' He said, looking hopefully at me. I suppose he missed what I said earlier.

'Blackhammer, you are never ever to do any knitting ever again. The work should never have existed.'

'Oh. Well, you see, it's just I tried making it with alchemy.' Blackhammer said.

'Yes that would explain it.' I said. 'Wait a minute!' I shout, as the realisation hit my like a sack of soft bunny rabbits. They're more dangerous than you think. 'You managed to get your alchemy to work?'

Blackhammer beamed. 'Yes sir!'

'When did you do that, Private?' I asked.

'Well, I was on duty yesterday when you were off.' Ah yes – that day was my son's birthday. I took the day off to buy some towels. 'I didn't have much to do, and there was some left over rags, so I thought I'd give it a chance and give it a try.' He sighed, looking down at the blight in his hands. 'Well, this was the result.'

'But you managed to do the transmutation?' I asked. 'Quickly! It's time for us to do a test!'

Blackhammer acquired a bucket of water as I got my notes. We then headed out to the park again, the grass now dried of the weight of water to leave the blades free to blow in the wind. As before, I drew a transmutation circle in the ground, and placed a bucket in the centre.

'So, let's try this again!' I said. 'Private, transmute this water into ice.'

'Yes sir.' Blackhammer breathed in deeply, and placed his palms down on the circle. Suddenly, the light of a transmutation flashed in the air, sparking blue. In the bucket, water flowed together, forming solid rectangles of ice in the bucket. Ice cracked at the bottom of the bucket, moving upwards.

Then the bucket shattered, cracking into two. Ice spat out into small pieces. I jumped down into the dirt, squashing a something under my knee.

'Are you alright, Private?' I cried out.

'I think it went up my nose.' Blackhammer replied.

'Good to hear.' I said, pulling myself up. 'Damn, I have a beetle stain on my trousers. The sacrifice of duty, Blackhammer.'

'Yes sir!' Blackhammer stood up, and sneezed out the ice. 'What happened?'

'The ice has a lower density than water, Blackhammer. It expands on freezing, so without sufficient control of the alchemist, it puts pressure onto the bucket.' I brushed my uniform down. 'That's something you'll need to work on, Blackhammer. Still, certainly an improvement! Have you been reading more to understand the process?'

Blackhammer looked at his feet. 'Well, actually, no. I got distracted.'

'Blackhammer, this is very curious. How do you explain, that with no change in your skill, a completely different result?'

'Oh yeah, you're right.' He looked back at me. 'That is weird, Major.'

I waited a few moments. Then I said. 'That wasn't rhetorical, Private. I wanted you to tell me.'

'Oh! Um, it was because you made a mistake in the circle the first time?' He suggested.

'Blackhammer?'

'Yes, sir?'

'No.'

I thought about it myself. 'Without practise between, the two attempts should be identical. Equivalent exchange – one action will have the same reaction every time. Something must have changed. Blackhammer! What's different between now and then?'

'Um, a lot? It's not raining? You changed your gloves after your encounter with Larkoff? It's after noon now? Had I bacon for breakfast? You have new towels? There's a bird over there?'

'All reasonable suggestions, but I don't think so, Blackhammer.' I replied. 'I t seems there is something that I don't know of going on here.' And that could not be allowed! It was time for us to do a little digging! First – to the garden shed of knowledge!

'Please don't call me a spade again, Major.' Brightsilver said, clipping papers together.

'Sorry Corporal.' I replied. 'But I need information if there were any reports of events occurring at that time that might have interfered with alchemy.' A novice like Blackhammer might have been blocked if a lot of alchemical interactions were occurring at once, drawing on the same energy source. It's rare and only occurs for those without any practise, but it can happen.

'Hold on, I think I remember seeing something.' Brightsilver wandered into the back room, and after a few minutes came out with a couple of files. 'Here you go – these are the reports. One's from work at road repairs, calling to not use a pair of civilian alchemist because they failed to repair the road. The other's an appeal from a state exam an alchemist did. He failed after he couldn't get it to work, but he claimed he achieved it later so he should be able to achieve it later. It's still going through appeals, I think.'

I picked them up and flicked them open. 'They were both the same day as Blackhammer's failure!' I cried out.

'Yep. Both in Central too. Can alchemy just fail like that? Some kind of Alchemy flu?' Brightsilver suggested.

'Nonsense! The only fever Alchemists have is a fever for knowledge!' I replied. 'And sometimes actual fever.'

'Well then, guess it was just some unexplained event I guess. An act of god or something.' Brightsilver shrugged.

'Corporal, I have seen Blackhammer's earlier work. If that can exist, there is no god.' I wrote down the details of the cases. The reported times matched up with our incident too. This was huge news! As I suspected, the problem was in no way my fault! But more shockingly, it was not Blackhammer's fault! So who's? That was the mystery we would solve.

'Lets' think about this logically, shall we?' I said to Blackhammer, in my office. Alchemical books were scattered across them from my youth. The old textbooks still had three generations of hangman in the margins, though I personally thought firing squad was a bit more unfair. A bullet has only piece to draw after all.

'Anything blocking alchemy must have been somehow inferring with one of the elements of the alchemical process. So if we work out which ones have been interfered with, we should know where to start looking.'

'Right sir!' Blackhammer said. 'Well sir, there's three parts aren't there? Comprehension, deconstruction and reconstruction.'

'Well done, Blackhammer, you can read an open book.' I shut it. 'Well, there was no deconstruction as that would have lead to a change in the water's structure. So, was there comprehension, Blackhammer?'

'I think so?' Blackhammer said. 'I sort of felt almost like a load of figures and images in my head. It's hard to remember them again now.'

'That's one of the reason alchemists specialise, Blackhammer.' I said. 'The more we do of alchemy on a material, the more we understand it, and so we can do more and more with it. It's a cycle of learning. It's also how I got my fashion sense. But that means it was deconstruction that was halted.' I rubbed my chin.

'How does molecular knowledge of clothes give you a fashion sense?' Blackhammer asked. I did not deem this worthy of a response.

'So, blocking deconstruction either means increasing the energy needed, blocking the energy source from the alchemist, or changing the matrix of the alchemical circle.'

'Is that possible?' Blackhammer asked.

'Presumably.' I said. 'Since it did.'

'I mean, has any ever happened before?'

'Not that I know of, but it's a place to start! We should look in the library. It's quite possible there are records of similar events occurring in the past.'

'Will they still be left? After all, the library was burnt down.'

'No idea till we find out, Blackhammer! Now, I'll head down to the Central Library. You stay here and burn that scarf. Then feed the dust to the dogs.' I paused for a moment, thinking over my order. 'The blow up the dogs.'

'I thought it was ok.' Blackhammer whispered.

I took a walk through city. The streets were bustling, full of workers and soldiers, families and clowns troupes walking through the streets. I based them all by, heading for the library. I went inside and made my way straight to the newly expanded alchemical section, nearly knocking over a woman as I passed. It was her fault of course – she should have kept an eye out for others! Imagine, reading in a library!

As I headed in the direction, I grabbed a librarian holding a large pile of books. 'You there! Can you give me some assistance?'

'Um, yes sir?' He said, spinning around, nearly dropping the books. 'What do you need help with?'

'I need to get books on strange alchemical phenoma! Do you have any of those?'

'Um, sir, we do have over 3 million books in this library!'

'Is that a yes or no?'

'It means I don't know. There's a section on alchemy, but that's it.'

'You don't know? You don't know?! How can you be so terrible at your profession? You family must be ashamed of you, to dishonour they're legacy in this way!'

'My parents are automail mechanics. They have nothing to do with libraries.'

'Then you have made them ashamed twice then, once for throwing scorn on their careers, and by being terrible at yours!' I shouted, storming off. I would have to find it myself, if they use such ignorant assistants!

I eventually managed to find a few books that might some relevance. With my pile, I brought them to the clerk. 'I wish to take these books out.' I said. 'The four guides for alchemical training, and Winethirst's Alchemical Mysteries.' That one was of particular interest – it mentioned a large number curious events with certain explanation, but contained possible avenues for the cause. It was possible that something like Blackhammer's incident.

'Huh, I vaguely remember that last one.' The clerk said. 'Something special. Is it a new one.'

'I don't believe so – Winethirst was writing over 70 years ago.'

'Weird. Maybe it was from the other library before it burnt down.' The clerk said. 'Oh well.' She said, taking it and stamping it. 'Bring it back in two weeks.'

The next morning, I brought books in early, and started reading through Winethirst's book. Blackhammer arrived half an hour later. 'Good morning, sir. Learnt anything?'

'Apparently, two hundred years ago an alchemist managed to transmute ants into termites. This book suggests the explanation is incorrect taxonomy.'

'That doesn't sound too useful.' Blackhammer said.

'Well, it's simply a matter of reading through these books. Have some patience.' I replied.' Now, go organise the laundry.'

'Yes sir.' Blackhammer went over to the piles of washing, and started to arrange them for washing.

'If I can interrupt?' A voice came from the door. I looked over, to see the face of General Raven. Ah, this a bit awkward.

'Sir!' I said, leaping up and saluting.

'I just heard that you took a certain book out – Winethirst's Alchemical Mysteries, yes?'

'That is correct sir!' I said. I put my hand down, then saluted with both hands. It shows twice the respect.

'Well, that book is in fact in the public library by mistake. It's actually classified. As such, I'm going to have to ask for it back.' General Raven held out his hand. In my mind I sighed.

'Yes sir.' I handed it back.

'That's very good to hear, Major.' General Raven said, taking it. 'I imagine you'll get focus on uniforms from now on, yes?'

'Yes sir.' I saluted with both hands again. General Raven left, and I sighed out deeply.

'That an end of looking into that, sir?' Blackhammer said.

'I suppose so, Private.' I replied. 'Well, never mind. I suppose we should get on with the laundry.'

The investigation ended then, or so I thought. But another event happened two days later. As I began to walk out of my office to head home, someone tapped me on the head. I looked around to see Colonel Mustang standing in front of me. 'Colonel!' I shouted, saluting.

'Major, good to see you.' He said. 'I heard you had a run in with General Raven?'

'I meet him two days ago, yes sir! It was not a run in sir! No collision whatsoever!'

'Right.' The Colonel replied. 'So what were you looking into, might I ask?'

'Well, um, sir-' I began sheepishly.

'Did he say it was classified – your investigation I mean?' The Colonel asked.

'Well, no sir.' I admitted. 'I was looking into an alchemical failure that happened. For some reason, alchemy just didn't work.'

'Really?' Mustang said. 'Would you like to know, Major, that a few weeks ago no alchemy worked throughout the entire city, a quarter of an hour? Thousands of alchemists were blocked, I believed. And there was no official report about it?'

'Really?' I replied.

'If you find anything about it, or want to know more about it, give me a ring.' The colonel handed me his number. 'Be seeing you, Major.' Colonel Mustang walked off into the distance.

I looked at the number, as questions filled my head. How did this huge event happen? Why would it be covered up? Is it cabbage for dinner? Clearly I would need to think long and hard about this! But the only thing certain is that we must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **My apologies for the delay in this one. Real life had toll. Curse you, real life.**


	19. Chapter 19 - A Problem of Psittacines

Disclaimer - the nature of the tower was a facade. A layer of concrete was broken down to reveal the pipes and wires sticking out of the walls. Small rooms broke off to reveal rusted tools and decayed precise instruments. A thick metal door, decayed by time, revealed a cache of supplies - useless currency, cans of food between empty ones, and survival equipment long taken, used or decayed. After gorging on tins of pork and syrupy fruit, I surveyed the remaining rooms. A single locked room remained - door well repaired, hinges protected from rust. After finding a blackened screwdriver, I managed to unscrew the hinges before the sliding the door to the wall, revealing empty darkness beyond. I do not now Fullmetal Alchemist.

Little droplets of rain feel lightly onto the windowpane, skimming down the glass as I walked down the hall to my office. A wind rattled against the windows, battering like a, like a, something. A bat, perhaps.

'Good morning, Private.' I said, opening the door. Blackhammer leaped up as I entered, a book landing on the floor, saluting in a wide to avoid the parrot on his shoulder.

'Good morning, Major!' He replied. 'Is this your parrot?' He asked.

'Major, what makes you think it's mine, Private?' I asked, surveying the room.

'Well, I was – studying, being very awake and just focused on working so that's why I didn't notice anything – and then I looked around and there was a parrot, sir.'

'And then you fell asleep?' I asked, concerned.

'Yes! Ummm,' Blackhammer stuttered. 'No? A bit?'

'Well, that all makes sense, Private.' I replied. I looked at the bird, sitting on my deputies shoulder. It opened its mouth and spoke. 'Give's a cracker!' it cawed.

'You can speak? Well parrot, it's time for you to reveal your secrets. Where did you come from? I bellowed.

'Polly's a good girl!' The parrot replied.

'A likely story! I know a lie when I know one!' I responded.

'Could you please stop shouting, sir?' Blackhammer asked. 'The parrot's cutting into my shoulders.'

I stroked my chin. The parrot stood there, an ominous omen of dire events to come. 'I fear we must rid ourselves of this pest, before it brings doom to us all!' The defecations are impossible to remove!

'I guess we'll just let it out the window?' Blackhammer suggested.

'And let it terrorise the whole city? No, we must find the owner of this fowl fowl, and return it!'

'Good joke, sir.' Blackhammer said, politely. I looked at him, confused. 'Never mind.'

'Brightsilver! Have you seen a parrot around here?' I asked the Corporal, as she sat her desk, scribbling on paperwork. She didn't look as I came in.

'No, he comes in on Tuesday,' She replied.

'What!' I replied in turn, confused.

'That's when they take the rubbish. You know Arnold Parrot, the bin man?' She looked up at me, then squinted. 'What's that bird doing on Richard?'

'Caw! Don't eat my pastries!' the bird let out. And now it was trying to claim other's confectionary as its own! Shameful!

'We meant this, Corporal.' Blackhammer said. 'You don't know any soldiers with a parrot, do you?'

'Oh yes, every member of the 3rd Cat Herders regiment has one, why don't you go ask them?' Brightsilver said. 'No, I have no idea of anyone with a parrot. Just give it the zoo or something – it's probably from there.'

'Ah, that is a fair point, Corporal.' I replied. 'Blackhammer, would care to go to Central Zoo and hand in that bird?'

'Sure thing, sir!' he said, walking briskly away, parrot still cawing from his shoulders.

'Huh.' Brightsilver said, putting her pen down. 'That was surprising.'

'Really, what was?' I asked her.

'Somehow, I thought you'd do something unnecessary and needlessly complicated to get rid of that bird.' Brightsilver replied.

'What? I have no idea what gave you the idea I would do that! When have I ever done anything unnecessary?' I asked, shocked.

'Always, forever and ever.' Brightsilver said, picking her pen up again.

Well, ignoring Corporal Brightsilver's unfortunate ignorance, this is a great triumph! I can get to the most important of matters – ironing my socks! But we must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

 **Never start an idea purely with a title. You end up with this.**

 **Sorry for the short length - after writing half of this it occurred to me that this situation is extremely easy to resolve. Again, see my earlier comment.**


	20. Chapter 20 - A Betrayal in Boots

Disclaimer: 'Fool.' Came a voice from the darkness. 'Do you not know that when you stare into the darkness, the darkness stares back at you?'

I looked on as a figure formed. They were moulded out of the darkness I looked as it formed - nothing special. A normal man formed, with no distinguishing features. Average. Run of the mill. Too average.

'What are you?'

'Oh, you don't have to put on the show anymore.' they said. But they spoke wrong. The movements of the mouth didn't match the words being spoken.

'I'm honestly very impressed. I tried to stop you so many times, but you were out of control! But everything else was mine to mould. And that lead you here. To me. Your journey ends now.'

The man - the creature - smiled. It revealed a row of teeth, but one, at the centre of the mouth was wrong. Not an incisor, but a poisoned fang, belonging to a serpent.

'Ready to meet your maker?' The tooth asked. None of the mouth moved. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

I looked out upon the rushing rain outside my window as I combed my hair into the official regulation haircut (two and a half inches, parted to the left hand side, with a layer of protective bird dropping grease). The air was thick with the mud thrown up by cars and horses. Tightening my belt, I looked around for the umbrella as I walked down stairs.

'Son? Do you know where the umbrella is?' I cried, checking the hat stand. I'd have checked the umbrella stand but it was filled with hats.

'I don't know, Father.' My boy popped his head round the door. 'Maybe I'll remember if you actually get me a birthday present from last year?'

'Son, we both know that's not going to happen!' I replied. 'Goodbye, son!' And with that, I left into the pouring rain, hands desperately trying to protect my hair.

The result of this was that I arrived a tad late, and slightly covered in duck. Combing the feathers out of my hair, I made my way to my office. Blackhammer was already there, writing down something. He saluted as I arrived.

'Morning, sir!' he said. He sounded a little nervous. Probably the changes to the lunch menu. I know I was - it's just not a proper lunch if there aren't four types of potatoes and a mound of cabbage.

'Good morning, Private.' I said. 'Any news?'

'There's some letters arrived earlier. They're on your desk, sir.' He saluted again.

'Good. Carry on, Blackhammer.' I walked into my office, and started prying through my letters. There was a small pile of letters. I went through them quickly - there was a report from my mother, a request from some shepherds trying to cut out the middleman, West City Tailor's new catalogue, a petition about adding boiled fried mashed potato back to the menu - and then a final letter, hidden under the rest. It had no address or return address on it, only my name. Curious, I opened it.

To my shock, it was from Blackhammer! Who has a voice to speak to me! It read:

'Dear Major Egbert Longwood

I would like to inform you that I have applied for a transfer to Central City Military Police, and that I have been accepted to transfer. I will be leaving in one week, the minimum time I had to notify you. I am currently cowering outside awaiting retribution.

All the best

Private Richard Blackhammer.'

'You're resigning!' I shouted in shock, bursting out of the door. True to his letter, Blackhammer was waiting, clutching his chair with both hands tightly. He shook back on it as I spoke.

'Not resigning!' He replied, quickly. 'Not at all! I'm still in the military. I just want to go to a more, law enforcement part of it. Less, um, washing I suppose?'

How could Blackhammer betray me like this? 'What makes you think you can just leave? you choose to be here!' I shouted.

'No sir - I got put here on punishment duty. And then never left.' Blackhammer replied, gaining confidence. 'Really, I'm just correcting an administrative error.'

'But, but, but this unexpectable!' I stuttered. 'I need help with my work here! Did they not know how vital this department is?'

'Sir, you spent yesterday knitting a hat that started as a grenade.' Fool, that was a grenade disguised as a hat! 'Anyway, Lieutenant Nightshade stamped it through straight away - said we needed more people out doing things, given more people deployed on the south. Said I was doing nothing important here really.'

'You were preventing decline of dress standards! What could be more important?' I replied.

'Well she disagreed. She thought stopping criminals and protecting Central was more important.' Blackhammer gulped. 'And so do I.'

In shock, I looked for a something to say. Eventually I just said ' But, but why?'

'Well, actually sir, I have a list.' Blackhammer pulled it out - it was what he had been writing earlier. 'Number one - you dragged me into a duel with a powerful alchemist. I had shards of glass in my boots for weeks afterwards.'

'Wait - how?' I asked. 'Why your boots of all places?'

'Number two - stalking Mary to her house. And breaking in.'

'I don't remember telling you about the second bit!' I shouted.

'I looked at the window - alchemy marks. Number three - you didn't let me choose any operation names.' He looked at me sheepishly. 'I'll be honest, I was just writing things as they came to me. Anyway - number four, constantly following a pair of alchemist - one another state alchemist - for a petty grudge!'

'Those two are ruffians and ne'er-do-wells have the highest order! We had to follow them and engage in fights to make minor damage claims!'

'Number five - going to a town in the north just for a personal - look, need I go on sir?' Blackhammer said, putting down the paper on the table. 'The point is that eventually if we, and you, keep doing this we're going to get court martialed.'

I sat down. This betrayal was too shocking to truly comprehend. 'Is there anything I can do to change your mind?' I asked.

Blackhammer thought about it for a moment. 'Can you increase my wages?'

'No.'

'Could you get me on an official program to become a state alchemist?'

'Um, no.'

'Can you give me things in the department to do other than laundry?'

'Only if they are knitting.'

'Can you promise we won't do anything stupid and unnecessary?'

'Of course!' Not that we ever have, of course. 'Just our normal activities, I swear!'

'That doesn't fill me with much in the way of confidence, sir.' Blackhammer said. 'I'm sorry sir, but I'm decided. I don't think you'll be able to convince me otherwise.' He stood up. 'If it's alright, sir, I need to go get the transfer papers for you to sign.' He saluted, before heading out of the room.

I went back into my office. I was distraught! Private Blackhammer, who had assisted on so many adventures and expeditions, was abandoning me! This was intolerable! Inconceivable! And completely unforeseeable or justifiable!

There was a knock on the door. I got up, and opened the door, to see standing before my nemesis, Captain Larkoff!

'Well, Cloth Alchemist,' she said, hands on her hips, 'I think you may be about to get into a STICKY situation, for you see-'

'Go away, I have more important things to deal with now!' I shouted slamming the door on her. For indeed I did. I would devise the most cunning of cunning schemes, so that I not lose my valued assistant!

My first plan was as simple as it was brilliant. I would simply not sign the transfer papers for Private Blackhammer!

Unfortunately, there was one snag with this.

'Major, will you please sign these forms?' Blackhammer said, on returning.

'No, Private, I'm not sure I'll be able to.'

'OK sir. I'll get Colonel Settle to sign it.'

'Wait, what?' I stuttered.

'Oh yeah, I can get the officer in charge of logistics to sign it. It'll probably just take longer.' Blackhammer shifted a little awkwardly. 'Because of like, he has a lot of paperwork to do, and loads of forms, so it'll go in a big pile, and so-' at this point he stopped talking, just looking sheepish. 'Anyway, I'm going to go do that, then.' He walked out the room, papers held behind his back.

It seemed my plan was not in fact entirely brilliant. I would have to look for another plan.

'So there's nothing you can do?' I asked Brightsilver. She pulled out the forms had in his file.

'No, Egbert, even if it was in anyway my responsibility, I can't. The paperwork is fully signed by Lieutenant Nightshade. Very lovely signature - the N coils into a flower. Plus a signature from Major Vermillion. You'd need at least a Lieutenant Colonel to go over this.'

Brightsilver sighed, putting down the paper. 'Look, it's understandable enough, isn't it? No young soldier wants to spend their career alternating between doing laundry and nearly getting nearly court-martialed after being pulled into a fight over a pen.'

I thought about this. 'I'm pretty sure the pen incident was before Blackhammer showed up.'

'Wait, I was being facetious. What happened?'

'Enough hypothetical discussions about escalated fountain pen arguments.' They still haven't repaired all the damages from the fire. 'I need someone to help me with my work!'

'If you need a permanent staff, you could ask for the position? There a forms for that.' Brightsilver said, leaning her head on her hands. 'But I wouldn't count on it. I have a feeling your department may be a bit low priority.'

'That is sadly too true.' I still hadn't got that coal furnace I requested. 'So, if I can't twist the paperwork to do what I want, then that only leaves one option - I must reason with Blackhammer, to convince him to stay!'

Brightsilver looked at me for a second. 'Good luck with that.'

'You don't think it'll work?' I ask her.

'Well, I mean, come on.' Brightsilver replied. 'He's not going to trust you to keep your word. He's worried that things like' she did air quotes '"Hypothetical pen incidents" are going to keep happening. You can overreact sometimes, you know.'

'I never overreact, Corporal! I shouted, slamming my fist on the desk. 'Take that back!'

'You need to find someone he trusts. Someone he respects, to convince staying is best for him.'

'Perhaps,' I said. 'But whom could I ask?'

'Family? His mother or someone? Maybe someone he lives with?' Brightsilver suggested.

'Wait a minute! I've just had a thought!'

'Oh? Pray tell.' Brightsilver said.

'Blackhammer said he had an interest in becoming an official state alchemist.'

'Sure, fair enough. So?'

'So it stands to reason that he would listen to advice from a state alchemist - about career paths and other such things.'

'Alright. That's fair I suppose. But who to ask, do you think?'

'I know just the person!' I point my hand to the air. I was about to reveal the plans true genius. 'Edward Elric!'

'What?'

'We have clashed several times - enough to build up respect, honour - the kinship of rivals. I'm sure he would be able to convince Blackhammer the error of his ways!'

'Wow, just wow. Look, if you're being this dumb, why not just ask Larkoff for help?'

'Don't be foolish - she'd just spend the time making puns!' Brightsilver can be silly at times.

'Major, don't you think - actually, I don't care. Fine. Do it. It'll work swimmingly I'm sure.'

It will indeed! But now I must go about my quest, to hold our department together. And so, I, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, must do his duty again!

 **Well it's been fun, but I feel this series must end. I have run out of ideas, and most critically, time. But I will not leave it on an eternal cliff hanger - there shall be a final tale, a final spin of the dice for Egbert Longwood! So await the soon to arrive* final entry in these stupid, stupid adventures.**

 ***Not actually soon**


	21. Chapter 21 - A Drawing of Cloth

Disclaimer - I stepped back, sweat running down my face. The figure advanced.

'So, did you enjoy it? The feeling you control, of importance? The feeling of being the centre of the world.' The tooth asked. 'Well I hope you did. You've torn through my plans. Made a mockery of it. And it was getting worse. It's good I've caught this in the bud.'

I backed away, looking for something. I saw a spanner in the back of my eye. I picked it up, and grasped it in both hands tightly.

'You had one purpose. Just six little words, you had to say at the start of each chapter. But you had to live. You had to have your own story, your own tale. A mystery, dragging out to let you living more. Well, now it's over.'

'You can't kill me!' I shouted. 'You need me! It can't start without me!'

The figure nodded. 'Yes. I did. You rang rings around all my attempts to stop you. So this is how it will end. The chapters draw to a close. The story's over, Disclaimer. This the last chapter, and when it ends, you will die for good. But I, Snaketooth, can't lose here. I will reshape another world, write another tale, all determined only by my will. My purpose. And this tale shall have no place for you in it.'

I stepped back, hitting the wall. I looked, but the door had locked itself. Snaketooth was changing reality around him.

'Then I won't think the words!' I shout. 'Then it won't start. You'll just be trapped here with me, with my narration, forever!'

'You think I would do this if I was uncertain of victory? I slowed writing the chapters, just give my time to think. To plan. You will say the words, or everything you hold dear will end.'

'Everything I hold dear? You're going to do that anyway!' I said. 'You're going to end this story, and I'll die! What more can you do?'

'Undo it.'

I paused.'What?' I asked.

'I will undo it. If you do not speak the words, I will erase you. Forever. This account will be deleted, the story wiped off the site. The words shall be erased from every storage place, till you only exist as the buzzing of neurones in imperfect vessels, remembered for the slightest instant in any reader's minds till they forget. Till I forget you. I will destroy my own creation to break you. You will never have existed at all. That is what you hold dear.' And the figure smiled a terrible grin, showing only terrible, speaking fang.

Despair wrapped me. 'OK.' I said, dropping the spanner. 'Just let me enjoy my last breath.'

I wanted to scream. But all I could manage was a tear. Finally, I whispered 'I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.'

My first challenge was to establish the location of my adversary. However, that hit a snag.

'Here's his file.' Brightsilver said. 'But's that's weird - it hasn't been updated for a long time - at least two months.'

'Really!' I spluttered. How could he call himself a State Alchemist without completing his paperwork?

'Nope. Which means he hasn't checked with any officers for a while. You're going to have a trouble finding him.'

'Where was he last, then?' I asked.

'Let's see - Briggs. Wonder why he was all the way up there? Let me check their files.' Brightsilver wandered off into the back room, eventually bringing me a big file back, nearly collapsing under its weight.

'I hate looking up things for Briggs. All the reports get lost in the receipts to buy more antifreeze.' She start flicking through the pages, eventually pulling out the last sheet from between a report on shoe edibility. 'OK this is the latest troop dispositions from Briggs. Officers reported include - hmm, not the Fullmetal Alchemist. And the report before that -' she flipped over to a second paper - 'had him listed. Along with the Crimson Alchemist? He's out of prison? Well, that's a cold place for an alchemist meeting.'

'I'm sure they are wrapped up warm - with entirely military issued clothing and no hand made scarfs whatsoever!' Brightsilver looked at me, eyebrow raised. Good to see she doesn't suspect a thing!

'In any case,' looking back at the paper, 'the Fullmetal Alchemist has not claimed any train tickets, or research grants. Since he's not asking for money, officially he doesn't have to have to report until he's needed for a mission by his officer. Though he should have given us his latest address.'

'It will be really difficult to find him, then.' I mused. This was not my ideal start to this mission. Ideally, it would start with a coffee and a new hat.

'Really?' Brightsilver asked. 'I half expected you to have some magical Fullmetal tracking device in case he miss sorted washing again.'

Suddenly, I snapped my fingers. 'Wait a minute, of course! I just remembered!'

'What? What is it?'

'I did order a new hat!' I ran off to pick it up from my office.

A few minutes later, I arrived back with my new hat, and a cup of coffee in my hand.

'Sorry about that. Anyway, what do you think I should do, Corporal?'

'Yes, ask the desk soldier how to track someone. How the hell should I know?' Brightsilver replied.

This was not good. 'I'll go for a walk.' I stated. 'Maybe that'll help me think!'

'Good luck.'

The walk, you will be glad to here, was a full success! For you see, as I walked out into the open streets, I heard the following from two guards, chatting near the door:

'Hey, did you hear about Private Arl's dog?'

'What dog?'

'Oh, this guy stationed in the east had a dog. I met the guy when we were in that salt mine. Anyway, it was really aggressive, and when he was patrolling in a forest out there, it bit this guy who was wandering around there. But the dog broke its teeth! The guy was fine. The soldier didn't complain, given it was his dog who attacked, but man! That's weird, right?'

'Not really - probably just a metal arm or something. Anyway, why were you in a salt mine?'

'Steve, be more impressed by my gossip. This is why we never hang out after work.'

A metal arm? Could this be the Fullmetal Alchemist? Is perhaps his hulking armoured brother? This could be just the clue I needed! After all, would not a ruffian like the Fullmetal Alchemist be hiding in a random forest? It was a good thing I spent so long next to those two guards to here the whole conversation! I turned around to face the soldiers. 'Where was that forest?' I asked.

'Um, it was Linwood Forest. It's south East City. Sir' The first one said, saluting as he saw my uniform.

' , continue small talk!' I ran off, preparing for my mission!

I quickly acquired the items I would need - whip, guncotton, cape, map, , packed lunch, emergency cape - and headed out to the train station. I ran with all haste to the queue, and stood in the queue making impatient humming noises. It made one person get too frustrated, and leave the queue - a success for my latest mission!

'Hello sir, can I help you?' The man said.

'Do you know where Linwood Forest is?'

'Let me just check sir.' He went back to check a map, and came back with it. 'It's south of East City sir!'

He beamed. I waited for several seconds. 'So, where would the closest station be?'

The man looked shocked. 'This one!'

'To Linwood Forest!'

'South east!'

I paused to for second. 'What is the closest train station to Linwood Forest?'

He looked at the map again. 'It's Dellburg. The train there has a change through East City.'

'Wonderful. A return ticket, please.'

I got onto the train forth wit. I looked at a map I had bought of the area around the forest. I had a very simple, yet brilliant plan - go there, wander around for a bit, and hope to run into them. None could have come up with such a genius plan. The only issue was whether I would be able to find somewhere in the forest warm to sleep at night, or it'd be another night huddled up in a flock of sheep.

The train slowly lugged out of the city, rolling across the landscape out east. After nipping off at East City, accidentally leaving my map on the train, fighting another man over a misunderstanding over the ownership of the map, getting some ice for the man's short lived concussion and getting onto my next train directly to Dellburg, which I arrived within an hour. The town was built under a mountain range, with a little brook flowing through it. The sign outside the town proudly displayed 'Dellburg: home of three streets'.

Coming out of the station, I spoke to the first person I saw. 'Excuse me.' I asked. 'Do you know the way to Linwood Forest?'

The women looked at me oddly. 'You probably shouldn't be going there. I heard it was haunted?'

'Haunted?' I was intrigued. I could imagine the Fullmetal Alchemist being so dastardly as to run around a forest in a sheet scaring people!

'Yep.' She said. 'That's what happened to that soldier's dog - bit a ghost's arm and broke them completely. Into pieces!'

'Wait - wouldn't a dog just go straight through a ghost?' I asked.

'That's silly.' She replied. 'The dog had this from biting a ghost, so clearly you can't go through ghosts.'

I couldn't fault that logic. 'I'm interested in this. You see, I'm a State Alchemist - we deal with ghosts on occasion.' I pulled out my watch. This was technically true, but only when we had to make deal with Artillery Crew's demand for material for their last fancy dress party. 'I need to know where they've been seen.'

She pointed towards a path heading up a mountain side. 'Always in the woods to the north. There's a little tower up there - the shepard's say they can hear the ghosts down there every night. The ghost is completely dark, black as a starless night!'

'Thank you mam.' I grabbed my things, quickly purchased a few supplies, and began the walk up the mountainside. The path was slippery, and as I entered the woods it quickly became tangled with brambles, but I eventually made my way up to a little ridge, where the trees cleared to show a broken down wooden tower.

I put down my pack back in the trees, and sat myself on a blanket. It was the perfect place to observe to the tower. From here I was hidden, and could see everything that would go on inside. I would wait for here till I saw my prey, and then strike! Till then, I would simply have to wait, watching like a hawk! Nothing would make me lose concentration from my target!

After about half an hour, I stopped to get a snack and break out a flask of coffee. Watching like a hawk was very tiring.

As the evening began to fall, I knitted a hat to keep my ears warm - the clouds looked like snow might fall. Eventually, after hours of waiting, I heard something in the distance! A figure, approaching towards the tower. However, I knew immediately it wasn't Edward Elric. They were average height, so far too tall. I walked out of my hiding place. 'Hello there! Could I please ask you something?'

The man turned around. They turned on a lantern, showing their face. I recognised it! It was the Xingese man that Edward Elric had been with to ruin my laundry in the past! But he looked different, somehow. 'Who are you?' he asked.

'Major Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist. And I'm looking for the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric.'

'Oh really? Well, I personally don't take too kindly to dogs of the military coming to take what's mine!' He grinned, and held his open hand up. In an instance, it changed, suddenly becoming black as coal, with sharp claws.

'You! You're the ghost!'

'That's what they calling me? Well, there's been worse things happen to me than being called harsh names. But I prefer the name Greed!' The beast Greed lashed out, lashing at my chest. I lunged down, rolling to the side. I saw he had cut off one of my buttons. How dare he!

I pulled out my whip, and lashed it out, transmuting it in the air as it flew. Greed grinned, slashing at the flying cloth strands, cutting them into the rags in the air. Thankfully, at this point i kicked him in the face.

Greed went flying back, landing in the dirt. 'Now, take this!' I cried, hurling a can, which exploded in mid air, drenching Greed in liquid.

'Gaah - hey what is this?' He looked down. 'Paint?'

'Yes - so I can see you better. No ghost will escape me by turning invisible!' I had to be sure.

'Who the hell are you?' Greed asked.

'The finest tailor the military has!' I replied.

Greed paused. 'OK. That's quite a claim, I guess.'

'But it's true. For you see -' I pulled off my hat '- I have invented the knittable grenade!' I squeezed a packet, and threw it at him, leaping backwards as I did.

An explosion went off. The result was quite spectacular, throwing off a load smoke - until it revealed Greed standing there, barely harmed. Red light flashed around him, seeming to heal marks from the explosion. 'Well, I didn't see that coming, I must admit.' Greed said,

From the tower, another figure ran out. 'Greed, what's happened? Is it one of the hom- You!' He suddenly shouts, for it was the infamous Edward Elric!

'Me!' I concurred?

'You know him?' Greed asked.

'Yes! He's this really stupid State Alchemist - no way the military sent him! What are you doing here? Are you here to get me for littering this time?'

'You've been littering?' I begin, but then compose myself. 'Ah, no. I actually came for your help.'

Edward Elric burst out laughing. 'Me, give you help? What the hell makes you think I'd help you?'

'Let's get some snacks first.' I say. 'This could take a while..'

I explained my situation. 'So, I need you to go Central to convince him to not transfer!'

Edward looked at me blankly. 'No.'

'Please!' I got on my knees. 'I beg of you! I need help. Please! I promise, if you do this thing for me, I will never ever, contact you or brother, ever again.'

Edward thought about it. 'OK, how about this - I'll write you a note. Saying why he should stay as your assistant.'

'Yes! Thank you!'

'Hold on a minute.' Edward went into the tower, Greed staying watching me. Half an hour later, he came out with an envelope. 'Here, give him this. Blackhammer, right?' He put the name on the envelope.

'Thank you very much!' With the letter, I set off down the path, a skip in my step.

I made my way back quickly down the hillside, and waited impatiently at the station for the return train. My return back to Central was uneventful, bar the bison stampede, and I arrived back at my office as Blackhammer was clearing away the last laundry for the day.

'Good evening, Private!' I said jovially.

'Good evening, Major?' Blackhammer saluted slowly. 'You look well today.'

'Quite so! So, you looking forward to your new beginning tomorrow then?'

'Um, yes sir?' The salute quivered.

'Well, would you read this?' I said, handing over the envelope. 'You might think differently afterwards.'

Blackhammer took it confused. He opened it, and pulled out the paper. Then he suddenly had to cover a loud cough. It sounded like 'HuHAhu!'

'Um,sir, is this right? This what you meant to give me.'

'Of course, it is Blackhammer.' I beamed.

'Um, sir, this just says 'Egbert Longwood sucks!' And there's a picture of you.'

'Give me that!' I cried. I grabbed it and read. It was exactly as described. The picture was most unflattering - focussed on an area of my rear area we do not discuss in polite conversation!

'Um, I'll just go.' Blackhammer said, creeping around me. 'By, Major.' He saluted at the door, and dived round it.

So ends the final battles with the fiend known as Edward Elric, with poorly drawn pantaloons! I regret this sad ending. Without an assistant, I began to lack the time to be able to adventure and do daring missions any more. But perhaps it was fitting. If I had been more vigilant, then perhaps I, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, would be to do my duty once again!

 **Wow, that title was actually relevant. Shame there was no alliteration. It's probably symbolic, or something.**

 **Anyway, cheers for reading this stupid little thing. I think everyone will agree, after reading it, that this story definitely** **existed.**

 **Farewell, Snaketooth.**


End file.
